Wednesday 2 January 2019

Top 20 Worst Films Of 2018


While most of the cinematic world was collectively deciding to get its shit together, some filmmakers had other ideas. Specifically, they had some truly baffling, who-in-the-hell-thought-these-were-good ideas, the results of which gave us some outright garbage movies. I am somewhat thankful that this list was relatively easy to draw up, since there weren’t that many films that qualified for the absolute worst of the year. But man, the ones that did made for some truly despicable moments. Let’s get to burning this garbage pile as I get into my Top 20 Worst Films of 2018.
This just barely scrapes its way onto the list because, honestly, this is the only one here that would make for a great riffing session. It is so baffling why anyone thought a cheap Photoshop filter would work as the near-literal face of a movie, making for one of the most unintentionally hilarious visuals of the entire year. If only the rest of the film was even that enjoyable, instead settling for an annoying and lukewarm flick that only serves as another nail in writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s artistic coffin. It hurts even more knowing how much good horror cinema came out in 2018, with this serving as the Ghost of Shitty Horror Past.


Treating people like they are nothing but their medical diagnoses doesn’t make for pleasant conversation. So you can imagine what it’s like watching a film based on a real person’s experiences, when the filmmakers seemingly couldn’t give less of a shit about said real person. ChloĆ« Grace-Moretz is a good pick for the lead role, and she does her best with the material, but when everything feels like it was directed by Gregory House, with all the emotional detachment in tow, it can’t help but feel like the complete wrong approach to a story like this. I may feel bad for myself that I had to sit through this sterile nothing of a biopic, but even more so, I feel bad for the real Susannah Cahalan for having this tripe to her name.


For better or for worse, it doesn’t look like the Groundhog Day/Edge of Tomorrow formula is going anywhere any time soon. It's proven itself to be a lucrative trope, and as long as people are willing to put money and eyeballs towards them, stories about people having to relive the same day over and over again will be around for a while. One can only hope that whatever comes next can’t get any worse than this, a film that takes the most tedious aspects of the time loop narrative and combines it with the most tired elements of the romantic comedy formula, resulting in a product where it feels like you already know what’s going to happen before you even start watching it, it’s that fucking trite. And that’s not even getting into the ‘friend zone’ crap that only makes the narrative even harder to get into, making the whole thing come across as gross romantic entitlement of a particularly unhealthy variety.


In any other year, films like this wouldn’t even be a blip on my radar. It’s just another boilerplate Nic Cage flick where the man is clearly working just for the paycheck. However, look at what else the man did in 2018: Doing voice work for Teen Titans Go! To The Movies and Into The Spider-Verse, not to mention absolutely killing it with Mandy; the man has shown that he can still hold his own with the best of them. What that tells me is that Cage should be past shit like this, and this film ends up hurting even more because of that. With how major his successes are becoming, I can only hope that him being attached to waste like this will soon be a thing of the past.


I am so sick of talking animal movies. If there’s any sense left in the world, films like this will serve as the death knell for the idea that simply having animals talk is enough to warrant a film’s existence. I mean, nothing else here gives this film a reason to be. A slurry of sports movie clichĆ©s and so much disregard for things that would actually be entertaining that it beggars belief, the most baffling this about this is that it could have been a lot more engaging that it actually is.

But somehow, these people managed to make drugged-up reindeer fighting a mad scientist with a weather machine seem like the most boring thing on the big screen all year, a feat of such anti-accomplishment as to make one want to spray-paint ‘Rule Of Cool is dead’ over every poster for this thing. It’s an awful movie, a serious waste of time and effort, but it’s because it could have been somewhat better if enough people gave a shit that it ranks on this list.


Looking at films starring model-turned-revolting-script-magnet Rusty Joiner means having to grade them on a curve. No, this film isn’t the worst thing he’s been attached to, as this barely even measures up to the truly despicable conceits at heart of films like Last Ounce Of Courage, Voiceless or even Unsullied. Of course, settling for less is a shit way to life, and even then, this film is its own special brand of awful all on its own. There is nothing wrong with this kind of story on paper, but it requires one whole hell of a lot of work to make it feel worth investing in. Unfortunately, this ‘teenaged predator’ erotic thriller (a genre with one of the highest degrees of difficulty to begin with) only serves as an incredibly icky showing of just how out-of-touch the filmmakers are. I mean, even without getting into how this narrative represents the exact opposite of reality’s most prevalent examples, sleaze can only cover up so much.


While the rest of the world was pulling their A-game, it seems like Australia had been left in the dust. 2018 served as one of the most disheartening years in recent times over here, socially, artistically and politically, and this isn’t even the worst example of that. Although, to be fair, this is still an exceptionally bewildering attempt at turning what is essentially an anti-sex scandal into something worth of a theatrical release. While it’s definitely aware of its own shortcomings, that isn’t much consolation for how much of this production just feels wrong. It’s a sports movie that relies more on telling us what’s happening than actually showing us, it’s a based-on-actual-events drama that doesn’t make those events seem worth watching, and even as an unexpected dip in Christian cinema, it feels both uninterested in matters of the soul and all too willing to portray some rather unsavoury attitudes regarding sex. It is astoundingly lame, and a serious black spot on the face of Aussie cinema.


Winner of this year’s "Thank the Dude that I was alone in that cinema" award, this film is a potent mixture of irritating, boring and woefully behind the times. While films like Love, Simon showed that societal views on homosexuality are definitely in a better place than they once were, films like this exist to remind everyone that some people just can’t get past the old stereotypes. It treats flaming as if that’s the only way gay characters can be interesting, stuffing the production to the brim with enough tired clichĆ©s as to make even the cast of Will & Grace call foul. Were it even the slightest bit funny, emotionally moving or even nice to look at, that could’ve been begrudgingly looked past, but when your production starts with the idea that a gay couple arguing with each other is inherently funny, it helps make sense of the high-speed crash down to Earth that is this entire film.



What’s worse than a film that clearly isn’t even trying? A film that not only knows that it isn’t trying, but actively thinks that the audience will put up with it anyway. Yet another truly crap talking animal movie from 2018, this marks a quite depressing low point in regards to how filmmakers treat their own audience. As someone who will happily champion good family films, even when no one else seems willing to, seeing one that shows this little respect for ticket payers is immensely infuriating. What’s more, the level of contempt here even weeds its way into the story proper, trying to make the audience side with characters who could not be less willing to care about much of anything. It’s one thing to be a sequel that no-one asked for, as the first Nut Job is hardly something worth thinking twice about; it’s another to make the sheer fact that this is being made just for the dosh so obvious as to insult the audience in the process.


It wouldn’t be a real worst of the year list without mentioning Happy Madison at some point. And while I give Adam Sandler some credit in that he seems to be at least trying for some improvement in his own films, since The Week Of honestly wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, that credit gets rescinded when put into context with this utter nonsense of a flick. Like it wasn’t bad enough that we had not one but two films all about parental figures fighting each other with the Daddy’s Home movies, writer/director Tyler Spindel seemed determined to make those mistakes look like cinematic gold by comparison.

Every notion that could’ve given those movies a reason to be, like any admission that fighting amongst themselves isn’t doing their kids any favours, is entirely absent here, becoming a meandering display of pointlessness that only furthers the baffling idea that watching adults act like spoilt children is so funny that it doesn’t need any effort beyond that. Is this the worst thing Happy Madison has released, either recently or all-round? I think the fact that they’re still capable of something this demonstrably shite makes that question moot; it’s still bad regardless.


What in the hell even happened here?! This might arguably be the ‘best’ movie on this entire list, as it has moments that are genuinely striking and make this production feel like it was at least facing the right direction. But wow, the layers upon layers of bad ideas with this one is really quite astounding. The non-existent characterisation that the film’s producers seem inordinately proud of, the unwavering sense that there were way too many cooks in the kitchen that left the story a complete mess, the acting?

If I’m being completely honest, I could justify this film being on this list solely because of Keira Knightley. Without question, her portrayal of the Sugar Plum Fairy is one of the single most irritating performances I have ever witnessed, with a delivery so ear-scraping that she is seriously lucky that her performance in Colette served as a reminder that she hasn’t entirely lost her edge as an actress. I may be baffled by how a hefty amount of this film made it to the big screen, but this one performance, designed to cause as many unwelcome spine-chills as possible, stands as the most perplexing decision of the entire year.


My first review of 2018 would turn out to be a measuring stick for how bad things could get for the proceeding twelve months. Yet another example of sequels existing solely for the sake of box office returns, this hopeful finale to the series seems like no-one wanted anything to do with it. The cast certainly doesn’t, looking like they’re as thrilled to be here as the rest of us, quietly counting down the seconds before their pay checks clear. From there, the listlessness only gets worse; for a film trilogy all about the music, the soundtrack here is woefully dull, failing to meet the genuinely solid pedigree of the first two. It’s so lazy that even when it openly admits its own disinterest, suddenly shifting into a Rebel Wilson-led action flick, it can’t even muster up a fuck to give about the change in scenery. The only consolation here is that co-writer Kay Cannon would go on to far greater things the same year as the director of Blockers; in the face of apathy this all-encompassing, some good did come of it.


This one makes for a slight departure from the other films on this list, as this one actually does have a good idea at its core. Setting itself up as a spoof of all things Sherlock, it has enough understanding of its own idea that it could’ve made for something entertaining. However, that very point is what makes this film turn out even worse, as this makes for an infuriatingly pompous and smug little shit of a film, so assured of its own cleverness that it’s willing to beat the audience over the head with it until even the back row has grown tired of its antics. Sure, it could’ve treated the idea of deconstructing just how ‘clever’ Sherlock Holmes is with the kind of deft hand that makes for good Holmes stories, but that would have taken effort. Clearly, the better idea was to just half-arse it and bask in the glory of your own laziness(!) This is the kind of bullshit I honestly should have expected from the guy who gave us Get Hard.


This film is a relic. A shameful display of all the attitudes regarding comic book movies that I once thought had died a quick death in the wake of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. An embarrassing mismatch of humour and ‘darker’ (read: edgelord) storytelling that it’s enough to make one miss the uneven calamity that is Spider-Man 3. I almost want to give this film props for simultaneously making its cast feel perfectly cast yet utterly miscast at the exact same time, somehow managing to make Tom Hardy as a wiseass anti-hero seem like a terrible idea. But even that damning-with-faint-praise is dwarfed by how much this feels like a 90’s product in the worst way possible, the scarred side of the coin that gave us the likes of Deadpool 2. I swear, if Sony actually goes ahead and uses this as yet another springboard for its own cinematic universe, it will stand as one of the company’s worst decisions ever. And with how wonky a lot of their business practices have been of late, that is saying something.


Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie with a barb-wire dildo. Fuck this movie and every single person who decided to put their names to it. Fuck this movie’s truly despicable approach to its subject matter, doing everything short of sucking John Gotti’s dick on camera to show its heinous admiration for an indisputable criminal. Fuck this movie for trying to smear the names of everyone who testified against Gotti in the real world, showing a level of cognitive dissonance that is beyond contempt.


Fuck this movie’s hideously hip-hop approach to organised crime, somehow making the Superfly remake look as honest as Goodfellas by comparison. But most importantly, fuck this movie for representing a willingness to excuse the actions of vile people just to make a quick buck. Somehow, even a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is too much of a compliment for this utter dumpster fire of a so-called biopic. That's right; it's so bad that it breaks the laws of mathematics.


Representing the worst that Aussie cinema could sink to in 2018, this film is weirdly enough a continuation of a long-standing tradition in this country: Ozsploitation. Write up a story set in the land down under, get one high-profile actor to give it some agency, and then just fart around and waste time while making the audience lament good talent being wasted on a nothing feature like this. Emily Taheny is a very good comedian and one who deserves a leading role to showcase her talents, and Eddie Izzard remains an irresistible font of charisma, even in garbage like this. But rather than even a smudge of material worth acting out, we get a film where the possibility of double manslaughter is the funniest thing to happen here… and even then, that doesn’t even end up being the case when all is said and done. In a year where the worst achieved that status through genuinely vile means, this film makes the list out of sheer lethargy. I do not care for films that make it a point to waste my time, and no other film this year fulfilled that task more so than this one.


I have a… complicated history with this series. 2015’s Fifty Shades Of Grey marked the first-ever departure for my pre-film background work, as I have read all three of the original books along with watching the films. While the books represent a mesmerisingly misguided look at abusive relationships behind a veneer of BDSM, they still remain a steady source of unintentionally hilarious fanfiction-style writing. But the films never managed to reach that same brand of entertainment, and it’s with this one that the waste of potential really hit home.

The closest this series has ever gotten to actually having a narrative pulse, it’s an extremely incompetent, incoherent and obnoxiously self-serious outing that finally made it clear that there is nothing even remotely ironic to enjoy about any of this. It’s a film so bad that I essentially had to break up with it, admitting to myself that the so-bad-it’s-good hilarity I had been waiting for for 4 years was never going to happen. Oh, it finally tried to make that happen, but by the time it realised the closest it would ever get to praise is being riff material, it was too little, too late. As someone more than willing to advocate for watching films just for a cheap laugh at their expense, this film is painful to recollect because of what it could have been if the studios knew the slightest thing about why this story became popular in the first place.


Of all the films I watched during 2018 (all 200 of them, for those keeping count), this is the one that most confuses me. Specifically, it confuses me that someone thought this was worth giving a theatrical release. This movie, representing the absolute worst approach to talking animal movies with positively nightmarish effects work that looks about as convincing as Karate Dog. This movie, comprised of Pop Idol runoff that makes the notion of listening to William Hung on repeat forever seem like an act of personal charity. This movie, which can’t even make it to 90 minutes without ripping off other talking animal movies at their worst, with a plot pulled right out of Garfield 2 of all fucking things. I shouldn’t be too surprised that this made it to theatres, as Australian distributors aren’t exactly picky about what they choose to bring to the big screen, but lack of surprise shouldn’t override the want for films worth watching. And quite frankly, there’s nothing here that is worth even a first glance, even as material for vitriolic critique. But the worst of it is is that this utter waste of screen time isn’t even the worst talking animal movie of the year.


Part of me wonders if this film really deserves to be this high on the list. Yeah, it’s an incessantly annoying and undercooked ‘family’ film, but the thing that makes it truly unforgiveable didn’t even make it to the screening that I went to. Then I discovered that some gracious soul had uploaded the offending scenes to YouTube, so I could take a look at the most infamous part of this whole production for myself.



Well… that’s just plain awful. I now have seen with my own eyes just how horrendous this film’s contents truly are, confirming that everyone who raised worries about grooming behaviour were actually onto something. Yes, the scenes themselves were cut out once the outrage picked up, but I stand by this scene’s mere existence anywhere near a ‘family’ film to be utterly insane. Raja Gosnell has been undeniably shit for years now, all on the back of some truly woeful productions involving CGI-assisted dogs, but this is the nadir of that legacy. When the most notable thing about your movie is a moment that never should have been in it in the first place, you have truly fucked up. Fuck this movie and fuck these filmmakers for thinking that this was even remotely acceptable for children. Or human beings in general.


#1: Death Wish
Some films are on this list because the acting is horrendous. This isn’t one of them, as the acting is actually one of the few saving graces here. Some films are on here because they are incompetently put-together. This isn’t one of them, as director Eli Roth shows some talent with a different style of exploitation cinema than his typically-gory wheelhouse. Some films are on here because they’re just straight-up boring. This isn’t one of them, as for better or worse, this certainly held my attention for its running time.

No, this film is on the list, and at the very top, because this is a special kind of bad. A kind where something deep in the core of my being is, and will always be, pissed right the fuck off at this film’s existence. I have nothing against this kind of action flick, as certain right-wing leanings have been part of the genre’s DNA for decades by this point. But as a pacifist, as someone who doesn’t see real-world violence as something to glorify, as someone who has watched in horror at the continued prevalence of mass shootings over in the U.S., I cannot accept this. I cannot accept a film that highlights rampant lack of responsibility for one’s own actions as a good thing, showing a piss-poor attempt at showing “both sides” of the gun control debate. This is Eli Roth’s awful style of social satire at its absolute worst, creating an aggravating experience unlike few others I have witnessed since starting this critical gig.

And yet, none of that really explains why this film is so utterly deserving of its place as the worst film I sat through in 2018. No, that is because of something far more personal to me. On the 17th of June, a gunman opened fire in an art gallery in Trenton, New Jersey. A person was shot dead while 22 others were injured, and among those in attendance was one of the best things that ever happened to me over the course of 2018: My boyfriend. He thankfully wasn’t hurt, but not a day goes by since that I don’t quietly dread what could’ve happened that day.

That, more than anything else, is why I have nothing but seething hatred for this fucking movie. I don’t even really see it as a movie anymore; I see it as the embodiment of the perpetually-frustrating mindset in the U.S. involving firearms that almost cost me a loved one. I have said this many times already in this post, but I say it now with more venom at its edges than I likely ever have before: Fuck. This. Movie.

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