While most of the cinematic world was collectively
deciding to get its shit together, some filmmakers had other ideas.
Specifically, they had some truly baffling, who-in-the-hell-thought-these-were-good
ideas, the results of which gave us some outright garbage movies. I am somewhat
thankful that this list was relatively easy to draw up, since there weren’t that many films that qualified for the
absolute worst of the year. But man, the ones that did made for some truly
despicable moments. Let’s get to burning this garbage pile as I get into my Top
20 Worst Films of 2018.
This just barely scrapes its way onto the list because,
honestly, this is the only one here that would make for a great riffing
session. It is so baffling why anyone thought a cheap Photoshop filter would
work as the near-literal face of a movie, making for one of the most
unintentionally hilarious visuals of the entire year. If only the rest of the
film was even that enjoyable, instead
settling for an annoying and lukewarm flick that only serves as another nail in
writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s artistic coffin. It hurts even more knowing how much good
horror cinema came out in 2018, with this serving as the Ghost of Shitty Horror
Past.
Treating people like they are nothing but their medical
diagnoses doesn’t make for pleasant conversation. So you can imagine what it’s
like watching a film based on a real person’s experiences, when the filmmakers
seemingly couldn’t give less of a shit about said real person. Chloë
Grace-Moretz is a good pick for the lead role, and she does her best with the
material, but when everything feels like it was directed by Gregory House, with
all the emotional detachment in tow, it can’t help but feel like the complete
wrong approach to a story like this. I may feel bad for myself that I had to
sit through this sterile nothing of a biopic, but even more so, I feel bad for
the real Susannah Cahalan for having this
tripe to her name.
For better or for worse, it doesn’t look like the
Groundhog Day/Edge of Tomorrow formula is going anywhere any time soon. It's proven itself to be a lucrative trope, and as long as people are
willing to put money and eyeballs towards them, stories about people having to
relive the same day over and over again will be around for a while. One can
only hope that whatever comes next can’t get any worse than this, a film that
takes the most tedious aspects of the time loop narrative and combines it with
the most tired elements of the romantic comedy formula, resulting in a product
where it feels like you already know what’s going to happen before you even
start watching it, it’s that fucking trite. And that’s not even getting into
the ‘friend zone’ crap that only makes the narrative even harder to get into,
making the whole thing come across as gross romantic entitlement of a
particularly unhealthy variety.
In any other year, films like this wouldn’t even be a blip
on my radar. It’s just another boilerplate Nic Cage flick where the man is
clearly working just for the paycheck. However, look at what else the man did
in 2018: Doing voice work for Teen Titans Go! To The Movies and Into The Spider-Verse, not to mention absolutely killing it with Mandy; the man has
shown that he can still hold his own with the best of them. What that tells me
is that Cage should be past shit like this, and this film ends up hurting even
more because of that. With how major his successes are becoming, I can only
hope that him being attached to waste like this will soon be a thing of the
past.
I am so sick of talking animal movies. If there’s any
sense left in the world, films like this will serve as the death knell for the
idea that simply having animals talk is enough to warrant a film’s existence. I
mean, nothing else here gives this film a reason to be. A slurry of sports
movie clichés and so much disregard for things that would actually be
entertaining that it beggars belief, the most baffling this about this is that
it could have been a lot more engaging that it actually is.
But somehow, these people managed to make drugged-up
reindeer fighting a mad scientist with a weather machine seem like the most
boring thing on the big screen all year, a feat of such anti-accomplishment as
to make one want to spray-paint ‘Rule Of Cool is dead’ over every poster for
this thing. It’s an awful movie, a serious waste of time and effort, but it’s
because it could have been somewhat better if enough people gave a shit that it
ranks on this list.
Looking at films starring
model-turned-revolting-script-magnet Rusty Joiner means having to grade them on
a curve. No, this film isn’t the worst thing he’s been attached to, as this
barely even measures up to the truly despicable conceits at heart of films like
Last Ounce Of Courage, Voiceless or even Unsullied. Of course, settling for
less is a shit way to life, and even then, this film is its own special brand
of awful all on its own. There is nothing wrong with this kind of story on
paper, but it requires one whole hell of a lot of work to make it feel worth
investing in. Unfortunately, this ‘teenaged predator’ erotic thriller (a genre
with one of the highest degrees of difficulty to begin with) only serves as an
incredibly icky showing of just how out-of-touch the filmmakers are. I mean, even
without getting into how this narrative represents the exact opposite of
reality’s most prevalent examples, sleaze can only cover up so much.
While the rest of the world was pulling their A-game, it
seems like Australia had been left in the dust. 2018 served as one of the most
disheartening years in recent times over here, socially, artistically and
politically, and this isn’t even the worst example of that. Although, to be fair,
this is still an exceptionally bewildering attempt at turning what is
essentially an anti-sex scandal into something worth of a theatrical release.
While it’s definitely aware of its own shortcomings, that isn’t much
consolation for how much of this production just feels wrong. It’s a sports
movie that relies more on telling us what’s happening than actually showing us,
it’s a based-on-actual-events drama that doesn’t make those events seem worth
watching, and even as an unexpected dip in Christian cinema, it feels both
uninterested in matters of the soul and all too willing to portray some rather unsavoury
attitudes regarding sex. It is astoundingly lame, and a serious black spot on
the face of Aussie cinema.
Winner of this year’s "Thank the Dude that I was alone in that cinema" award, this film is a potent mixture of irritating,
boring and woefully behind the times. While films like Love, Simon showed that
societal views on homosexuality are definitely in a better place than they once
were, films like this exist to remind everyone that some people just can’t get
past the old stereotypes. It treats flaming as if that’s the only way gay
characters can be interesting, stuffing the production to the brim with enough
tired clichés as to make even the cast of Will & Grace call foul. Were it
even the slightest bit funny, emotionally moving or even nice to look at, that
could’ve been begrudgingly looked past, but when your production starts with
the idea that a gay couple arguing with each other is inherently funny, it
helps make sense of the high-speed crash down to Earth that is this entire
film.
What’s worse than a film that clearly isn’t even trying?
A film that not only knows that it isn’t trying, but actively thinks that the
audience will put up with it anyway. Yet another truly crap talking animal
movie from 2018, this marks a quite depressing low point in regards to how
filmmakers treat their own audience. As someone who will happily champion good
family films, even when no one else seems willing to, seeing one that shows this
little respect for ticket payers is immensely infuriating. What’s more, the
level of contempt here even weeds its way into the story proper, trying to make
the audience side with characters who could not be less willing to care about
much of anything. It’s one thing to be a sequel that no-one asked for, as the
first Nut Job is hardly something worth thinking twice about; it’s another to
make the sheer fact that this is being made just for the dosh so obvious as to
insult the audience in the process.
It wouldn’t be a real worst of the year list without
mentioning Happy Madison at some point. And while I give Adam Sandler some
credit in that he seems to be at least trying for some improvement in his own
films, since The Week Of honestly wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, that credit
gets rescinded when put into context with this utter nonsense of a flick. Like
it wasn’t bad enough that we had not one but two films all about parental figures fighting each other with the
Daddy’s Home movies, writer/director Tyler Spindel seemed determined to make
those mistakes look like cinematic gold by comparison.
Every notion that could’ve given those movies a reason to
be, like any admission that fighting amongst themselves isn’t doing their kids
any favours, is entirely absent here, becoming a meandering display of
pointlessness that only furthers the baffling idea that watching adults act
like spoilt children is so funny that it doesn’t need any effort beyond that.
Is this the worst thing Happy Madison has released, either recently or
all-round? I think the fact that they’re still capable of something this
demonstrably shite makes that question moot; it’s still bad regardless.
What in the hell even happened here?! This might arguably
be the ‘best’ movie on this entire list, as it has moments that are genuinely
striking and make this production feel like it was at least facing the right
direction. But wow, the layers upon layers of bad ideas with this one is really
quite astounding. The non-existent characterisation that the film’s producers
seem inordinately proud of, the unwavering sense that there were way too many
cooks in the kitchen that left the story a complete mess, the acting?
If I’m being completely honest, I could justify this film
being on this list solely because of Keira Knightley. Without question, her
portrayal of the Sugar Plum Fairy is one of the single most irritating performances
I have ever witnessed, with a delivery so ear-scraping that she is seriously
lucky that her performance in Colette served as a reminder that she hasn’t
entirely lost her edge as an actress. I may be baffled by how a hefty amount of
this film made it to the big screen, but this one performance, designed to
cause as many unwelcome spine-chills as possible, stands as the most perplexing
decision of the entire year.
My first review of 2018 would turn out to be a measuring
stick for how bad things could get for the proceeding twelve months. Yet
another example of sequels existing solely for the sake of box office returns,
this hopeful finale to the series seems like no-one wanted anything to do with
it. The cast certainly doesn’t, looking like they’re as thrilled to be here as
the rest of us, quietly counting down the seconds before their pay checks clear.
From there, the listlessness only gets worse; for a film trilogy all about the
music, the soundtrack here is woefully dull, failing to meet the genuinely solid
pedigree of the first two. It’s so lazy that even when it openly admits its own
disinterest, suddenly shifting into a Rebel Wilson-led action flick, it can’t
even muster up a fuck to give about the change in scenery. The only consolation
here is that co-writer Kay Cannon would go on to far greater things the same
year as the director of Blockers; in the face of apathy this all-encompassing, some good did come of it.
This one makes for a slight departure from the other
films on this list, as this one actually does
have a good idea at its core. Setting itself up as a spoof of all things
Sherlock, it has enough understanding of its own idea that it could’ve made for
something entertaining. However, that very point is what makes this film turn
out even worse, as this makes for an infuriatingly pompous and smug little shit
of a film, so assured of its own cleverness that it’s willing to beat the
audience over the head with it until even the back row has grown tired of its
antics. Sure, it could’ve treated the idea of deconstructing just how ‘clever’
Sherlock Holmes is with the kind of deft hand that makes for good Holmes
stories, but that would have taken effort. Clearly, the better idea was to just
half-arse it and bask in the glory of your own laziness(!) This is the kind of bullshit I honestly should have expected from the guy who gave us Get Hard.
This film is a relic. A shameful display of all the
attitudes regarding comic book movies that I once thought had died a quick
death in the wake of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. An embarrassing mismatch of
humour and ‘darker’ (read: edgelord) storytelling that it’s enough to make one
miss the uneven calamity that is Spider-Man 3. I almost want to give this film
props for simultaneously making its cast feel perfectly cast yet utterly miscast at the exact same time, somehow
managing to make Tom Hardy as a wiseass anti-hero seem like a terrible idea.
But even that damning-with-faint-praise is dwarfed by how much this feels like
a 90’s product in the worst way possible, the scarred side of the coin that
gave us the likes of Deadpool 2. I swear, if Sony actually goes ahead and uses
this as yet another springboard for its own cinematic universe, it will stand
as one of the company’s worst decisions ever. And with how wonky a lot of their
business practices have been of late, that is saying something.
Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie with a barb-wire dildo. Fuck this movie
and every single person who decided to put their names to it. Fuck this movie’s
truly despicable approach to its subject matter, doing everything short of
sucking John Gotti’s dick on camera to show its heinous admiration for an
indisputable criminal. Fuck this movie for trying to
smear the names of everyone who testified against Gotti in the real world,
showing a level of cognitive dissonance that is beyond contempt.
Fuck this movie’s
hideously hip-hop approach to organised crime, somehow making the Superfly remake look as honest as Goodfellas by comparison. But most importantly, fuck
this movie for representing a willingness to excuse the actions of vile people
just to make a quick buck. Somehow, even a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is too
much of a compliment for this utter dumpster fire of a so-called biopic. That's right; it's so bad that it breaks the laws of mathematics.
Representing the worst that Aussie cinema could
sink to in 2018, this film is weirdly enough a continuation of a long-standing
tradition in this country: Ozsploitation. Write up a story set in the land down
under, get one high-profile actor to give it some agency, and then just fart around
and waste time while making the audience lament good talent being wasted on a
nothing feature like this. Emily Taheny is a very good comedian and one who
deserves a leading role to showcase her talents, and Eddie Izzard remains an irresistible
font of charisma, even in garbage like this. But rather than even a smudge of
material worth acting out, we get a film where the possibility of double manslaughter is the funniest thing to happen here… and even then, that doesn’t even
end up being the case when all is said and done. In a year where the worst achieved that status through genuinely vile means, this film makes the
list out of sheer lethargy. I do not care for films that make it a point to
waste my time, and no other film this year fulfilled that task more so than
this one.
I have a… complicated history with this series. 2015’s
Fifty Shades Of Grey marked the first-ever departure for my pre-film background
work, as I have read all three of the original books along with watching the
films. While the books represent a mesmerisingly misguided look at abusive
relationships behind a veneer of BDSM, they still remain a steady source of
unintentionally hilarious fanfiction-style writing. But the films never managed
to reach that same brand of entertainment, and it’s with this one that the waste
of potential really hit home.
The closest this series has ever gotten to actually
having a narrative pulse, it’s an extremely incompetent, incoherent and
obnoxiously self-serious outing that finally made it clear that there is
nothing even remotely ironic to enjoy about any of this. It’s a film so bad
that I essentially had to break up with it, admitting to myself that the
so-bad-it’s-good hilarity I had been waiting for for 4 years was never going to
happen. Oh, it finally tried to make that happen, but by the time it realised
the closest it would ever get to praise is being riff material, it was too
little, too late. As someone more than willing to advocate for watching films
just for a cheap laugh at their expense, this film is painful to recollect
because of what it could have been if the studios knew the slightest thing
about why this story became popular in the first place.
Of all the films I watched during 2018 (all 200 of them,
for those keeping count), this is the one that most confuses me. Specifically,
it confuses me that someone thought this was worth giving a theatrical release.
This movie, representing the absolute worst approach to talking animal movies
with positively nightmarish effects work that looks about as convincing as
Karate Dog. This movie, comprised of Pop Idol runoff that makes the notion of
listening to William Hung on repeat forever seem like an act of personal charity. This movie, which can’t even make it to 90 minutes without ripping
off other talking animal movies at
their worst, with a plot pulled right out of Garfield 2 of all fucking things.
I shouldn’t be too surprised that this made it to theatres, as Australian
distributors aren’t exactly picky about what they choose to bring to the big
screen, but lack of surprise shouldn’t override the want for films worth
watching. And quite frankly, there’s nothing here that is worth even a first
glance, even as material for vitriolic critique. But the worst of it is is that
this utter waste of screen time isn’t even the worst talking animal movie of
the year.
Part of me wonders if this film really deserves to be
this high on the list. Yeah, it’s an incessantly annoying and undercooked ‘family’
film, but the thing that makes it truly unforgiveable didn’t even make it to
the screening that I went to. Then I discovered that some gracious soul had
uploaded the offending scenes to YouTube, so I could take a look at the most
infamous part of this whole production for myself.
Well… that’s just plain awful. I now have seen with my
own eyes just how horrendous this film’s contents truly are, confirming that
everyone who raised worries about grooming behaviour were actually onto
something. Yes, the scenes themselves were cut out once the outrage picked up,
but I stand by this scene’s mere existence anywhere near a ‘family’ film to be
utterly insane. Raja Gosnell has been undeniably shit for years now, all on the
back of some truly woeful productions involving CGI-assisted dogs, but this is
the nadir of that legacy. When the most notable thing about your movie is a
moment that never should have been in it in the first place, you have truly
fucked up. Fuck this movie and fuck these filmmakers for thinking that this was
even remotely acceptable for children. Or human beings in general.
#1: Death Wish
Some films are on this list because the acting is
horrendous. This isn’t one of them, as the acting is actually one of the few
saving graces here. Some films are on here because they are incompetently
put-together. This isn’t one of them, as director Eli Roth shows some talent
with a different style of exploitation cinema than his typically-gory
wheelhouse. Some films are on here because they’re just straight-up boring.
This isn’t one of them, as for better or worse, this certainly held my attention
for its running time.
No, this film is on the list, and at the very top,
because this is a special kind of bad. A kind where something deep in the core
of my being is, and will always be, pissed right the fuck off at this film’s
existence. I have nothing against this kind of action flick, as certain
right-wing leanings have been part of the genre’s DNA for decades by this
point. But as a pacifist, as someone who doesn’t see real-world violence as
something to glorify, as someone who has watched in horror at the continued
prevalence of mass shootings over in the U.S., I cannot accept this. I cannot
accept a film that highlights rampant lack of responsibility for one’s own
actions as a good thing, showing a piss-poor attempt at showing “both sides” of
the gun control debate. This is Eli Roth’s awful style of social satire at its
absolute worst, creating an aggravating experience unlike few others I have
witnessed since starting this critical gig.
And yet, none of that really explains why this film is so
utterly deserving of its place as the worst film I sat through in 2018. No,
that is because of something far more personal to me. On the 17th of
June, a gunman opened fire in an art gallery in Trenton, New Jersey. A person was shot dead while 22 others were
injured, and among those in attendance was one of the best things that ever happened to me over the course of 2018: My boyfriend. He thankfully wasn’t
hurt, but not a day goes by since that I don’t quietly dread what could’ve happened
that day.
That, more than
anything else, is why I have nothing but seething hatred for this fucking
movie. I don’t even really see it as a movie anymore; I see it as the
embodiment of the perpetually-frustrating mindset in the U.S. involving
firearms that almost cost me a loved one. I have said this many times already in this post, but I say it now with
more venom at its edges than I likely ever have before: Fuck. This. Movie.
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