When you’re someone who’s railed against the cinematic
plague that is family films about talking animals for as long as I have,
reviews like this are inevitable. A look at what can be considered the initial
harbinger for the favourite kid-pleasing gimmick of hacks around the world:
Doctor Dolittle.
Big-budget adaptations of the original series of books are…
basically cursed, from what I can tell. From the hype disaster of the 1967
version with Rex Harrison, to the admittedly decent Eddie Murphy version (that
would end up spawning a league of straight-to-video sequels, making whatever
merit its beginning had pretty much moot), this isn’t a story known for doing
well at the box office. And fresh off of his linchpin performance in what is
now the highest-grossing film of all time, Robert Downey Jr. is the latest to
try his hand at this infamous character. And it seems like we have somehow
reached a new low for this property.
One of the reputed inspirations for the original character
was real-life Scottish surgeon John Hunter, an important figure in the history
of our understanding of medicine and science. This is the only scrap of
rationalisation I can find to explain why in the hell RDJ thought that going
with a Scottish accent here was a good idea. Aside from being whispered into
oblivion, his clear difficulty with the accent results in some unusually
stilted delivery. To say nothing of the bevy of acting talent behind the
talking animals themselves, from Emma Thompson the parrot to Rami Malek the
gorilla to John Cena the polar bear, all of whom are just as awkward and
grating to watch.
Not that this is the kind of writing that could be saved
even by pitch-perfect casting to begin with. Having covered my fair share of
what passes for humour in this breed of cinema, I feel comfortable in asserting
that this is some of the weakest shit yet. It’s not just that the jokes are
consistent duds, although that certainly doesn’t help; it’s that these are the
most basic, predictable, ‘the kids in the audience could write better’ jokes
you could imagine.
The anachronistic words coming out of the animals, while
distracting, ends up being an afterthought in the face of how director Stephen
Gaghan, Dan Gregor and Doug Mand aren’t even trying with this script. I’d say
they pulled it right out of their respective arses, if I wasn’t painfully aware
that they’re much more interested in shoving things in that part of the
body. Good Dude, that ending is something else.
So, it’s basically what I’ve come to expect from talking
animal movies, just with a blockbuster budget. Except this doesn’t even have pleasing
big-budget visuals to lean back on because this film is as ugly as a gorilla’s
rectum to the face. The CGI work is wonky, made even worse by the craptastic
integration with the live-action footage, and the overall aesthetic seems to be
stuck in-between Spielberg’s Adventures Of Tintin and Pirates Of The Caribbean.
It’s an adventure on the high seas for a magic miracle
fruit, where the adventure is tepid and lacking in cohesion from scene to
scene, and the high seas look like the film is trying to siphon the bad luck
from blockbuster pirate movies to make itself look better. It's basically drowning in self-imposed whimsy, to the point where it's impossible to take its feeble grabs for poignancy seriously, feeling like a treacle and glitter smoothie more than anything else. The seeming-insistence that it has to lean on the talking animal puns makes it taste it even worse, as if its hefty budget price-tag still isn't enough to work with.
And that is basically this whole damn mess in a nutshell: It's all bass-ackwards. Its attempts at profundity with Dolittle’s character only make
me appreciate the genuinely touching moments from Eddie Murphy even more, and
the garish sheen of the visuals actually make me look back on the Rex Harrison
version and appreciate that they at least did practical effects. It is
effectively a bottom-of-the-barrel talking animal flick, artificially charged
with a big studio budget, managing to only further highlight the utter lack of
sense put into so much of the production at large. The first truly bad movie of
the year, and even with the next 11 months’ worth of potential awful, chances
are good that I might end up revisiting this film in a certain list further
down the line.
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