365 Days (2020) - Movie Review

After how much of a big deal I made regarding the Fifty Shades series… not gonna lie, I feel a certain obligation to look at this thing. This is the kind of cinematic masochism that admittedly gives me a better idea of the supposed ‘draw’ of stories like that, but that doesn’t make the experience any more pleasurable for myself. So, let’s take a look at the Trojan softcore porno that’s taken Netflix by storm and highlight how, by some tremendous anti-miracle, this is all kinds of worse than its inspiration.

Let’s start with the one thing I’ll always admit that the original film got right, and what this feature consistently fucks up with: The soundtrack. It’s used in the same PMV style as Fifty Shades, but the actual soundtrack choices are… confusing. A good chunk of the songs come from Michele Morrone, who also plays the male lead, and hearing him go full butt-rock on some of these tracks like Dark Room is kinda hilarious, and the overwrought production doesn’t help. To say nothing of the songs from Texan duo Everybody Loves An Outlaw, where songs like I See Red give off an entirely different vibe than what is actually on-screen. I mean, yeah, I also would like to see some blood-soaked revenge against this arsehole, but I’m pretty sure the movie isn’t in the mood for that.

Then there’s the main thing that the soundtrack is meant to supplement: The sex scenes. Now, after how incredibly milquetoast the sex scenes were in the film versions of Fifty Shades, the genuine explicitness here is ostensibly commendable. If nothing else, it shows that there were no concessions made to ratings and (far as I can tell without reading the source material myself) allowed more accuracy as far as the sexual content that would warrant such an adaptation. Of course, considering it is quite literal softcore porn, with all the camera tricks and use of prosthesis that the genuine article employs, it just brings me to the same conclusion as with Fifty Shades: It’s hard to be sexy when consent has left the room.

And on that note, this doesn’t even have the veneer of I Can’t Believe It’s Not BDSM to excuse just how awful the main romance is. To the point where even describing it as ‘romance’ makes me want to slam my head into my keyboard hyvng45t4. The main plot involves mafia gangster Massimo who, as a result of incredibly convoluted events that would make Nicholas Sparks blush, kidnaps a woman and keeps her prisoner for the titular 365 days until she falls in love with him. It’s hard to get much closer to the definition of Stockholm Syndrome than that.

What makes it worse is that it can’t even get that much right. As unhealthy as E. L. James’ view of romance is, it at least had the pretence of healing a broken person through unconditional love. Here, the romance boils down to pure lust, with Massimo basically blue-balling Anna-Maria Sieklucka’s Laura into wanting him physically, which (in this film’s universe) leads to wanting him personally. It again feels in-tune with how this is glorified pornography… except this film seemingly can’t settle for that and tries, in aggravating fashion, to make Massimo seem like a real catch.

The usual way this gets done is by bringing in characters that, for one reason or another, outshine the lead as far as truly reprehensible behaviour. Because the idea of settling for the lesser of two evils is just so damn sexy, right?(!) In-between scenes of Laura on shopping sprees (I keep bringing up Fifty Shades, but it is genuinely embarrassing how badly this wants to be that franchise) and sex scenes that induce wincing laughter more than titillation, we get a scene where Massimo kills a child sex trafficker, and another where he exposes Laura’s boyfriend’s infidelity. All in service of making actual imprisonment seem like a good idea by comparison.

I’ll admit, I’ve been more than fair with dicey romances in the past. I stuck with the Fifty Shades movies despite all rational reason not to, and I even went to bat for the extremely problematic Passengers. I don’t even have anything against porn or erotic cinema in general either; both have their reasons to exist, and in regards to porn, those who know their history can point to genuine films that can hold their own against anything that has made it to the big screen over the last decade.

But this? This was an extremely infuriating experience. The only possible reason I could see someone else watching this is for ‘the articles’, but I’d argue the bizarre soundtrack choices put the kibosh on that idea. And even then, if audiences are looking for porn… just go watch porn. I can guaran-damn-tee you that you’ll find more than your fill online, and it won’t involve having to deal with one of the grossest cinematic relationships I’ve ever seen just to get to it.