Locked Down (2021) - Movie Review

I was raring up to like this movie quite a bit just from genre association alone. A rom-com/heist flick made and set during COVID lockdown, after films like Host proved that there’s pathos to be wrung out of the timeliness, with a plentiful cast of actors I’ve grown to love over the last few years; what could possibly go wrong? Well, in short, just about everything, but I’m not exactly in the mood to show this thing the mercy of brevity.

The Witches (2020) - Movie Review

There was always going to be some level of disappointment to this for me personally. I’ve gone on record about how Nicholas Roeg’s The Witches is one of my all-time favourite movies, and the idea of something coming along that can do that story better seems unlikely. But to give this production credit right off the bat, all the pieces are certainly in place for something that can at least stand out from the original, if not ascend it. Between Robert Zemeckis as director/co-writer, who knows how to use cinema technology to tell a gripping story, and creature feature maverick Guillermo Del Toro teaming up with creator of the -ish franchise Kenya Barris to add to the script, there’s a chance for this to take the source material into an interesting new direction. But while there’s certainly traces of that intent in here, it still can’t manage to escape the shadow of its predecessors.

Dark Waters (2020) - Movie Review

Hope you’re all ready to be horrified, sad, and fucking furious today, because we’ve got a whopper of a real-life dramatisation to talk about right here. Following in the footsteps of his righteous turn in the scathing exposé Spotlight, star and producer Mark Ruffalo is once again playing a man taking the fight to a large-scale conspiracy, one that starts out in a little pocket of rural Americana but then reveals its tendrils all over the world. However, rather than systemic cover-up of sexual abuse, this film deals in something that might outweigh even that in terms of genuinely hideous behaviour: A chemical manufacturer who wilfully contaminated a vast majority of American citizens, and by extension a hefty amount of the global population.

Serenity (2019) - Movie Review

I’m not going to beat around the bush on this one: This film is fucking insane. I see no point in writing a poncy introduction to lead into that simple fact because this is an oh-so-very special kind of insane. The kind that only comes into being through just the right mixture of all the wrong elements in all the right places. The kind that makes the audience just how much of the film is meant to be taken seriously, if it’s meant to be taken seriously at all. The kind that turns a merely bad film into the stuff of bad film legend. It is the frontrunner for Best Worst Movie Of 2019, and if something else comes out that can challenge it, I fear I might end up in a padded cell just for looking at it.

The Hustle (2019) - Movie Review

It’s distaff remake time again as we look at the latest attempt to give female actors a chance to shine by reviving an old favourite, in this case being the Frank Oz classic Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, itself a remake of the 60’s Marlon Brando vehicle Bedtime Story. Between how well previous distaff remakes have turned out, like the still-enjoyable Ocean’s 8, and last year’s major success at a legacy remake with A Star Is Born, there’s a certain chance that this film could turn out alright. However, while I hesitate to call this film outright bad, I also hesitate to call this film… well, worth existing.

Before getting too heavily into the negatives, let’s be fair and look at what is done right here. While utilizing the same script as both Scoundrels and Bedtime Story, we also have some punch-ups done by Captain Marvel co-writer Jac Schaeffer. To her credit, the new quips in this version land more times than not, and even when they don’t land, it rarely devolves into sheer pain like a lot of bad comedies tend to do. Add to that Anne Hathaway doing nicely as the upper-class swindler and Rebel Wilson and her frequent ad-libs as the small-time con artist, and you have a good foundation for some madcap antics. Bonus points for Wilson’s work IRL, using her legal education to keep this film from getting a rather bewildering R rating in the states.

But for as much as I could discuss the new elements here, not to mention director Chris Addison giving a solid first impression as a feature filmmaker, this is still wielding a script that has been around for over 50 years and the major points, namely the narrative, are pretty much beat-for-beat what they were at the start. As a result, any real props I can give to the new dialogue ends up overshadowed by how this is ultimately a matter of delivery: How does this film hold up to previous incarnations? And honestly, it’s all over the place.

Both Bedtime Story and Scoundrels treated the con game in much the same way that Ocean’s Eleven treated its own, presenting it as a battle of wits and charm where respect is paid to those who can do it well. That’s not what we get here. For every moment of grace and good sportsmanship that existed in either previous films, there’s a moment here that brings out hysterics in the patronising, ‘we used to use this as psychiatric gaslighting’ sense, always coming across like they’re entitled to not playing fair.

That on its own makes engaging with them at work a bit tricky, but then we get to the swindles themselves and… *sigh* While claiming to be European royalty probably doesn’t work as a grift anymore, the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ gambit here might be one of the dumbest cons I’ve ever seen on the big screen. I know that the script has its wacky moments, but it didn’t strain credibility this badly.

And then there’s the major sticking point: The ending, which is basically the exact same as Scoundrels. Now, if I had to guess, I wouldn’t be surprised if this remake’s entire existence was predicated on just that ending, considering it made for a deliciously subversive moment of the two professionals getting played at their own game. It even featured fake Australian accents, which sound a lot better coming out of Caine’s mouth than Afrikaans does out of Wilson’s.

But more than that, the fact that the ending is this xeroxed, but still keeping the gender-swap, robs it of any efficacy. It takes what was a pretty cool moment of showing the supposed victim becoming the victor into something that only serves to reinforce the film’s own preconceptions. Pretty weird when you’re trying to subvert what came before and end up missing the point of the whole affair.

All of this results in a film that is mildly funny, technically sound and even outdoes what it’s remaking (albeit in superficial areas, like the opening credits), but just doesn’t hold a candle to past material. Even Bedtime Story, as dated as it is, left a better impression than this does. What’s more, even though it sticks closely to the original script, it somehow manages to miss the very point that could have given this remake some agency and even a bit of subversion in its own right. It’s a remake that feels like it completely missed the point of why it’s even being remade, which considering the current remake-heavy climate, is thoroughly disappointing.

Ocean's 8 (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: After spending the last five years in prison, professional thief Debbie Ocean (Sandra Bullock) has only one thing on her mind: Pulling off a high-profile heist at the upcoming Met Gala. As she recruits her team, including her partner Lou (Cate Blanchett), fashion designer Rose (Helena Bonham Carter), jewellery maker Amita (Mindy Kaling), fence Tammy (Sarah Paulson), pickpocket Constance (Awkwafina), hacker Nine Ball (Rihanna) and the unwitting celebrity patsy Daphne Kluger (Anne Hathaway), Debbie plans to steal a highly-valuable piece of jewellery that, if they can pull it off, will have them set for life.

The Intern (2015) - Movie Review

Some films give me a bad impression from the trailer, while others make me weary just from finding out who is working on the film. This might be a first, in that it was the poster that made me want to give this film a pass. First off, advertising that the writer/director also worked on the painfully generic-sounding 'It’s Complicated' and 'Something’s Gotta Give' isn’t going to convince me that this is worth seeing. And secondly, as much as I wish it still were, Robert De Niro as your lead is no longer an accomplishment nor something to gloat about. Combined with my general dislike for MOR generi-drama, this all spells trouble. But these are just my pre-film assumptions at work; how does it actually turn out? This is The Intern.

Interstellar (2014) - Movie Review

As a critic, I’m always fascinated to see a film that has other critics divided, and as of right now, there is no better safe bet on getting a film like that than one that has Christopher Nolan involved. While a lot of my contemporaries were slamming The Dark Knight Rises, I personally loved the hell out of it; when Man Of Steel had the world either loving it or hating it, I was safely in the latter even without putting my general disinterest in Superman into the equation. This is yet another movie that really could go either way in terms of my reaction to it.