A Man Called Otto (2023) - Movie Review

Tom Hanks as “the grumpiest man in America”.

As I got into last year with his villainous role in Elvis, Hanks isn’t as bad a fit for abrasive characters as his public persona would imply. But that’s not necessarily what he’s doing here, at least from what I saw. His performance as the titular Otto is more melancholic than outright ‘grumpy’, dealing with the loss of a loved one and just wanting the world to leave him in peace… while he plans his exit from it. The film is set up to take him on a personal journey where he learns to move past his grief and live life again, making him come out of his shell and all that, but I’d argue that the film doesn’t do that well with the idea.

Goodnight Mommy (2022) - Movie Review

Okay, I know that remakes are far from new for Hollywood, but when I think about how this is now the second time I’ve looked at the remake of a film I’ve already reviewed… I feel old. Thinking back to when I first watched this back in December of 2015, even though it wasn’t that long ago in the grand scheme of things, I can’t help but feel every one of those seven years hit me like the Ghost of Amateur Blogging Past just plopped down and sat right on my chest.

Anyways, it’s also another English-language remake of a foreign film, and considering The Guilty managed to do pretty well in translating its narrative as well as its filmmaking ethos, maybe this’ll work out too. Or maybe it’ll just be more ammo for the “just learn to read subtitles” crowd.

Pinocchio (2022) - Movie Review

While Snow White And The Seven Dwarves may have been where Disney’s animated film history started, along with their canon of Disney Princesses, their 1940 film version of Pinocchio is arguably where Disney as an artistic aesthetic began. The iconic soundtrack, to the point where When You Wish Upon A Star has essentially become the official anthem for Disney, the elegant use of metaphor in its depiction of a child self-actualising, the timeless animation, that horrifying donkey transformation scene (which likely gave birth to an entire generation of Cronenberg fans); it’s a well-deserved classic.

And it is also the latest film to get pulped and sifted in the modern Disney remake machine, and between the icy reception it’s garnered already and me losing all hope in these things being good anymore after Aladdin and The Lion King, I was fully expecting to hate this. Guess I’ve found my big dissenting opinion for the year, because I actually quite liked this.

Ambulance (2022) - Movie Review

Something weird has happened concerning Michael Bay’s reputation in recent years. After spending most of his career as a memetic punchline, the release of his last film 6 Underground seemed to spark a re-examination of his career against the larger Hollywood system. From what I’ve been able to gander, it seems that, in the wake of so much mainstream homogenisation of stories and even filmmakers, to the point where a lot of product can feel like grey mush shoved next to more grey mush, Michael Bay now feels like a breath of fresh air. There’s no mistaking his films for the work of anyone else, for better and for worse, and as an admitted auteurist, it is quite fascinating looking at this man’s body of work and seeing just how… fucking weird a lot of it is.

And I’ll admit it: I’ve taken part in that re-examination as well. After Pain & Gain showed flashes of a genuine talent underneath all the sensory extremes and bone-headed characterisation, and 6 Underground proving to be the most entertaining he’s been in ­years, I feel like I’ve also come around on the guy after spending quite a bit of my own time clowning on him. Some of that clowning is still justified, though, and the man is still on probation for his work on 2021’s crowning dumpster fire Songbird, but all the same, I found myself… looking forward to this movie?

The Unforgivable (2021) - Movie Review

After how well the remake of The Guilty turned out, I was more than willing to give this film a chance. An American remake of a British TV miniseries, starring Sandra Bullock in a consciously-against-type role of a woman who has just been released from a 20-year stint in prison for murder. It certainly caught my attention just from that setup, and I can already see all manner of possibilities for thoughtful translation between cultures. But unfortunately, just about every major decision here feels backwards.

The Guilty (2021) - Movie Review

 

 

Okay, I want to give Antoine Fuqua another chance, after how baffling his last production turned out. And as easy as it is to completely write this off as unnecessary because it’s an American remake of a European film (and of a film that I have reviewed previously), I can actually see the merit in remaking this specific feature.

The whole point of the original film was its sound design, with the plot revolving around the lead character being on the phone for the entire run time, so having all that sound be in a language I speak naturally means I can focus more on hearing that sound design rather than divvying up time between that and reading it (yeah, yeah, “lazy Westerners hate subtitles”, so cry the people being a lot more ableist than they realise; save the elitism for another time, 'kay?). There’s also how (and this is admittedly information I didn’t know about when I reviewed the original) the whole idea for this story came from director/co-writer Gustav Möller watching a YouTube video recording of a 911 call. So it’s basically being re-translated back into where it first came from; this could legitimately have a chance at working.

Blackbird (2021) - Movie Review

Well… after a much longer (and unannounced; apologies for that) break than anticipated, I’m already wishing I took a bit more care regarding the film I'd come back with. I mean, a film all about voluntary euthanasia isn't exactly the cheeriest material I could have picked for my return. But after so much inactivity, I’ll take anything I can get my hands on, and to this film’s credit, I certainly don’t feel like I wasted my time watching it.

The Witches (2020) - Movie Review

There was always going to be some level of disappointment to this for me personally. I’ve gone on record about how Nicholas Roeg’s The Witches is one of my all-time favourite movies, and the idea of something coming along that can do that story better seems unlikely. But to give this production credit right off the bat, all the pieces are certainly in place for something that can at least stand out from the original, if not ascend it. Between Robert Zemeckis as director/co-writer, who knows how to use cinema technology to tell a gripping story, and creature feature maverick Guillermo Del Toro teaming up with creator of the -ish franchise Kenya Barris to add to the script, there’s a chance for this to take the source material into an interesting new direction. But while there’s certainly traces of that intent in here, it still can’t manage to escape the shadow of its predecessors.

Rams (2020) - Movie Review

Why do films need to be remade? Well, for the most part, they don’t. It’s largely done either to cash-in on the memorability of the original, or to further the idea that watching foreign films with subtitles is too much to ask of an average filmgoer (because nothing says ‘we respect our audience’ more than assuming they don’t know how to read), and even before they became so ridiculously ubiquitous in the modern era, this is a framework that has been around in the mainstream for decades. But then there are the rare examples of films with a purpose in reviving an older production, one that might highlight the poignancy of the original still ringing true in a different time, a different culture, a different context. And in the case of this recent Aussie effort, it might be one of the most necessary in our history.

Black Christmas (2019) - Movie Review

The original Black Christmas is one of the classic slashers, a film that helped mould the genre into what it remains to this day. It even has the prestige of being a slasher that influenced another seminal classic in the genre with Halloween, both operating with the same type of inhumane beast as the killer. Black X-Mas, the 2006 remake, went so far in missing the point of what made the original work that it devolved into a movie about killers who were brother and sister as well as father and daughter. No information right into all kinds of TMI; it really says something when it came out in the midst of the U.S. remakes of Japanese horror movie craze, and it still stands as one of the most misguided remakes of its time.

The Lion King (2019) - Movie Review

This has been quite a year for Disney revamping its classic properties. Alongside sequels to their genuine classics like Mary Poppins Returns and Toy Story 4, 2019 has also marked the year where they have given us not one but three remakes/retoolings of some of their older works. We started with the surprisingly strong Dumbo that basically took Disney itself to task for its business practices, and then we had the astoundingly shite Aladdin which can rest easily among Disney’s worst productions ever. And now, we have a remake of the perennial favourite Lion King, with the director of the quite fantastic Jungle Book remake returning for another bit of photorealistic animal shenanigans. The end result, however, is… well, it’s certainly not the worst to come out of this trend, but it is easily the most pointless.

The Hustle (2019) - Movie Review

It’s distaff remake time again as we look at the latest attempt to give female actors a chance to shine by reviving an old favourite, in this case being the Frank Oz classic Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, itself a remake of the 60’s Marlon Brando vehicle Bedtime Story. Between how well previous distaff remakes have turned out, like the still-enjoyable Ocean’s 8, and last year’s major success at a legacy remake with A Star Is Born, there’s a certain chance that this film could turn out alright. However, while I hesitate to call this film outright bad, I also hesitate to call this film… well, worth existing.

Before getting too heavily into the negatives, let’s be fair and look at what is done right here. While utilizing the same script as both Scoundrels and Bedtime Story, we also have some punch-ups done by Captain Marvel co-writer Jac Schaeffer. To her credit, the new quips in this version land more times than not, and even when they don’t land, it rarely devolves into sheer pain like a lot of bad comedies tend to do. Add to that Anne Hathaway doing nicely as the upper-class swindler and Rebel Wilson and her frequent ad-libs as the small-time con artist, and you have a good foundation for some madcap antics. Bonus points for Wilson’s work IRL, using her legal education to keep this film from getting a rather bewildering R rating in the states.

But for as much as I could discuss the new elements here, not to mention director Chris Addison giving a solid first impression as a feature filmmaker, this is still wielding a script that has been around for over 50 years and the major points, namely the narrative, are pretty much beat-for-beat what they were at the start. As a result, any real props I can give to the new dialogue ends up overshadowed by how this is ultimately a matter of delivery: How does this film hold up to previous incarnations? And honestly, it’s all over the place.

Both Bedtime Story and Scoundrels treated the con game in much the same way that Ocean’s Eleven treated its own, presenting it as a battle of wits and charm where respect is paid to those who can do it well. That’s not what we get here. For every moment of grace and good sportsmanship that existed in either previous films, there’s a moment here that brings out hysterics in the patronising, ‘we used to use this as psychiatric gaslighting’ sense, always coming across like they’re entitled to not playing fair.

That on its own makes engaging with them at work a bit tricky, but then we get to the swindles themselves and… *sigh* While claiming to be European royalty probably doesn’t work as a grift anymore, the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ gambit here might be one of the dumbest cons I’ve ever seen on the big screen. I know that the script has its wacky moments, but it didn’t strain credibility this badly.

And then there’s the major sticking point: The ending, which is basically the exact same as Scoundrels. Now, if I had to guess, I wouldn’t be surprised if this remake’s entire existence was predicated on just that ending, considering it made for a deliciously subversive moment of the two professionals getting played at their own game. It even featured fake Australian accents, which sound a lot better coming out of Caine’s mouth than Afrikaans does out of Wilson’s.

But more than that, the fact that the ending is this xeroxed, but still keeping the gender-swap, robs it of any efficacy. It takes what was a pretty cool moment of showing the supposed victim becoming the victor into something that only serves to reinforce the film’s own preconceptions. Pretty weird when you’re trying to subvert what came before and end up missing the point of the whole affair.

All of this results in a film that is mildly funny, technically sound and even outdoes what it’s remaking (albeit in superficial areas, like the opening credits), but just doesn’t hold a candle to past material. Even Bedtime Story, as dated as it is, left a better impression than this does. What’s more, even though it sticks closely to the original script, it somehow manages to miss the very point that could have given this remake some agency and even a bit of subversion in its own right. It’s a remake that feels like it completely missed the point of why it’s even being remade, which considering the current remake-heavy climate, is thoroughly disappointing.

Pet Sematary (2019) - Movie Review

While it didn’t get a lot of love back in the day (and judging by reactions to today’s film, that feeling persists), Mary Lambert’s Pet Sematary is a fucking great horror flick and one of the better Stephen King adaptations. Having King himself penning the screenplay certainly helped, but as a look at how people react to grief and why it is vitally important to come to terms with that grief, it is a seriously intense ride, if an occasionally goofy one.

I’d argue the point in remaking the story in the first place, but considering the recent crop of King adaptations and their combined consistency, I’m not entirely against the idea. Hell, this one has an uncredited David Kajganich working on the script, and given how well he did with last year’s remake of Suspiria, this could turn out good. However, as I’m about to get into, this film ends up being a mish-mash of underperforming, overperforming and just outweirding the original and not all in good ways.

What Men Want (2019) - Movie Review

Situations like this are why I’m not as staunchly anti-remake as most others. What Women Want is an awful movie, the kind of attempt at gender analysis that does everyone a disservice and finds that lovely middle ground between hating men and hating women in equal measure. It’s really sad to think that the idea of casting Mel Gibson as the lead in a romantic comedy isn’t even in the top 10 worst decisions that went into making that pile of utter garbage.

But at the same time, the concept at its heart about being able to read the minds of the opposite sex is something that has potential for something that isn’t painful to sit through. So naturally, when this remake was announced, I admit to being a bit sceptical at first… but then I watched the original in full and realised that there’s nowhere to go but up with this story. And thankfully, this film actually does that.

Day Of The Dead: Bloodline (2018) - Movie Review

 

Spend long enough on a creative endeavour and before too long, it will start to reflect aspects of the one who created it. And oh boy, is that no truer than it is when dealing with the legendary zombie flicks of George A. Romero, who have themselves become cinematic zombies. Or rather straight-to-DVD zombies as, through a combination of head-scratching rights issues and just general money-grubbing idiocy, there have been a lot of unnecessary additions to that canon. Day Of The Dead serves as one of the more egregious examples, between the 2008 remake to the unofficial prequel to the original Contagium, both of which exist for little more than blindsiding the uninitiated. Surprisingly, though, the same cannot be said about this film… not entirely, at least.

Death Wish (2018) - Movie Review

 

The plot: Surgeon Paul Kersey (Bruce Willis) has his comfortable life turned upside-down after a home invasion leaves his wife (Elizabeth Shue) dead and his daughter (Camila Morrone) in a coma. With the police being ineffectual in finding the criminals responsible for the break-in, and Paul knowing that crime is a consistent problem in his neighbourhood, he decides to take the law into his hands and hunt them down himself.

A Better Tomorrow (2018) - Movie Review

 

The plot: Brothers Kai (Kai Wang) and Chao (Tianyu Ma) are on opposite sides of the law: Kai is a smuggler working for crime lord Ha Ge (Suet Lam) alongside his partner Mark (Darren Wang), while Chao is an up-and-coming officer in the Hong Kong narcotics division. However, as they discover how distant they have become from each other, Kai decides to reform his criminal ways and maybe regain the trust of his brother. In order to do the right thing by his family, he may have to cut ties with his former employers… permanently.

Cabin Fever (2016) - Movie Review

Aside from making me feel really bloody old knowing that the film is over a decade old by now, Eli Roth’s directorial debut Cabin Fever was the world’s first exposure to Roth’s… interesting approach to filmmaking. Namely, hateful lead characters with sprinklings of batshit insane in the script. It has a handful of scenes that have gone into memetic legend because of their strangeness, none more so than this little beauty and it set a trend for horror writing that has plagued us ever since. It’s another example of the exception of the rule that became the rule, only here that prospect turned out to be far more disastrous than anyone could have foreseen. And then some idiot by the professional name of Travis Z decided he wanted to remake this "classic". I’d call this pointless, except it isn’t even the worst offender in that regard this year alone, so I’m willing to give this film its day in court. This is Cabin Fever.

Poltergeist (2015) - Movie Review

Thanks to filmmakers like Michael Bay and Rob Zombie, the words ‘classic horror film’ and ‘remake’ are nowadays associated with the burning down of cinemas in fits of anger. Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company is responsible for a large number of remakes that do little more than castrate the icons attached to them, and Rob Zombie’s take on the Halloween series makes my bitching about Lou from Hot Tub Time Machine 2 look minute in comparison. Sam Raimi, the man responsible for some of the greatest cult classics ever created with the Evil Dead trilogy, is admittedly far less guilty of milquetoast horror than others. However, when your producer credits also include the Boogeyman trilogy, The Possession as well as the widely unnecessary Evil Dead remake, forgive my scepticism at this working out too well. So, how does this film hold up to the Tobe Hooper/Steven Spielberg original?