Something
weird has happened concerning Michael Bay’s reputation in recent years. After
spending most of his career as a memetic punchline, the release of his last
film 6 Underground seemed to spark a re-examination of his career against the
larger Hollywood system. From what I’ve been able to gander, it seems that, in
the wake of so much mainstream homogenisation of stories and even filmmakers,
to the point where a lot of product can feel like grey mush shoved next to more
grey mush, Michael Bay now feels like a breath of fresh air. There’s no
mistaking his films for the work of anyone else, for better and for worse, and
as an admitted auteurist, it is quite fascinating looking at this man’s body of
work and seeing just how… fucking weird a lot of it is.
And I’ll
admit it: I’ve taken part in that re-examination as well. After Pain & Gain
showed flashes of a genuine talent underneath all the sensory extremes and
bone-headed characterisation, and 6 Underground proving to be the most
entertaining he’s been in years, I feel like I’ve also come around on
the guy after spending quite a bit of my own time clowning on him. Some of that
clowning is still justified, though, and the man is still on probation for his
work on 2021’s crowning dumpster fire Songbird, but all the same, I found
myself… looking forward to this movie?
Making a film intrinsically about COVID-19, while COVID-19
is still a thing and still a danger to public health, isn’t an inherently
bad idea. All art is reflective of the era in which it was made, and film is no
exception; knowing how much the pandemic has fucked up the industry in regards
to getting work done and released, working around the conditions involved
shouldn’t automatically be seen as a bad thing. I’m not saying that exploiting
the situation for profit isn’t shady as all fuck; just that not every
production in this space should be seen as such. At least, not until it proves
itself to be in that vein.
After what happened with Locked Down, I went into this other
film set during COVID lockdown (in a roundabout way, which I’ll get to) with
far lower expectations. Other than hearing a fair bit of negative press about
it since it first released in the U.S. in December, I’ve resigned myself to the
notion that Host was going to be a rare example of a film made in extraordinary
circumstances that was itself an extraordinary work of art. I’ve been seeing
the word “tasteless” floating around a lot in discussions about Songbird, hence
my little spiel about the supposed ethics problems with making a film about a
pandemic while said pandemic is still happening, so I was ready for the worst
of it. And while that's unfortunately what I got, it wasn't in the form I was expecting.
Of all the cash cows for critics of bad films, no franchise
can compete with the lumbering juggernaut that is Michael Bay’s Transformers
series. From the rampant idiocy on display throughout to the frequent moments
of sexist, racist and otherwise crappy behaviour in the characters, right down
to his widely-lampooned visual overload style of direction, Bay has been a
walking target for at least a decade by this point. And finally, after showing
sympathy for the guy’s more recent efforts as director and even producer, I
have an excuse to get involved in this whole mess myself.
To date, I have seen
all the previous Transformers flicks in the cinema, and I can hardly recall a
series with so many immediately and hilariously terrible moments as Bay’s ode
to the adolescent boy in us all. And apparently, judging by initial press
reactions, this seems to be the worst entry yet. How in the hell is that possible?
Let’s dive right in and discover the extremely depressing answer.
Well, after my major spleen venting from last time (which was
met by alarmingly warm reception, might I add?), I feel a certain need to
reiterate the main point of me doing all this in the first place. As much as
this makes me come across as a rather hopeless fan-boy (which is kind of true),
these people do mean a great deal to me both in terms of entertainment and
broadening my own personal perspective on a number of things and none more so
than the Nostalgia Critic. Hell, if I had any belief in it, I could almost
carry this off as a tribute to his Avatar Episodes lists and twist it into me
just trying to ensure balance. But really, it’s just a means for me to air out
some dirty laundry I’ve been holding onto for a little too long. We’re not here
to talk about all that again, though, as this time around I’m counting my picks
for the Top 20 best episodes of the Nostalgia Critic.
#20: Demolition Man
It’s rare that a film becomes more timely after its initial release,
especially when it's an action film soaked in 90’s tropes and starring
Sylvester Stallone. Where Spoony’s review of the game got me interested in the
film initially, this definitely cemented it for me as the Critic’s jabs at how
the over-sanitized future depicted in the film is like some sort of Tumblrite
utopia… and right now, I’m just wondering why the hell the word ‘Tumblrite’
doesn’t come up on my spell check. Maybe that future really is more prevalent now than we first
thought.
#19: Harry Potter And
The Deathly Hallows Launch
An initial showing of Doug’s more lenient sensibilities on
media fandom, this video plays out a bit like a geek version of Mardi
Gras. Yeah, it’s over-the-top and most people certainly won’t comprehend a lot
of it, but the infectious sense of joy that floods these sorts of events are so
potent that, if you’re in the area, you’ll feel compelled to join in
regardless. Such is the case with the Critic, who spends some time poking fun
at the fans, but then ends up joining them as the launch clock keeps ticking
down.
#18: Felix The Cat:
The Movie
Even considering he did a whole video devoted the biggest
nostalgic mindfucks (a video that introduced me to the insane brilliance of
animator Cyriak), this would have to be the most insane film he’s looked at so
far. All the noise, all the character clutter, all the painful colour choices;
it just plain hurts to think about, let alone watch. As such, the Critic goes
into full crackdown mode as he breaks down just how much of the film doesn’t
work and its use of tropes concerning filmmaking for children that, quite
frankly, need to stop before we get any more kids schlock like this and Home. Also, “I want you to make
him look like he’s dry-humping a trash can.”
#17: The Haunting
A subversion of the Critic’s semi-regular comparison series
Old Vs. New, he forgoes the traditional format of breaking the individual
elements of each iteration of the story and instead strictly points out how
much the remake pulled a Zeno’s arrow in how badly it missed the mark. Sure, he
gives credit to some decent casting decisions, and his over-the-top lauding
over Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hilarious, but I think it’s the Critic’s
comments about the depiction of gay and lesbian characters in fiction that
really strike a chord with me. Mainly because, even though he’s directly
talking about how the 90’s treated them, we’re still using the same writing
styles even today; more’s the pity.
#16: Let’s Play
Bart’s Nightmare
Yeah, bet you weren’t expecting this one. And no, I’m not
trolling; I genuinely love this video. Ignoring the hideous backlash that came
as a result of this infamous little number, the core joke that Doug was going
for with this video about how Let’s Plays aren’t as easy as the layman may
think actually works here. It comes across more like the Critic as a character
is in over his head more than Doug as a person and, after the rage has died
down, it’s easy enough to get that from his performance. That, and it’s some
good reaction porn with how he just raves like a manic chimpanzee at the game
itself.
#15: Mamma Mia!
Far better than I have ever been able to articulate it
before (despite my best efforts), this review manages to pin down just
about everything wrong with the prototypical ‘chick flick’. He even gets down
to brass tacks when it comes to the issue of the comedy part of the
romantic-comedy, leading to a point that I seriously wish was referred to more
often as it’s an issue that never ceases to irk general movie-goers.
#14: Conquest Of The
Commercials
I should really hate this video for making sure that that
bloody “Zestfully Clean” jingle never
leaves my head, but as usual his picks for nostalgic commercials to look at is
top-notch. However, what makes this higher up than the other commercial
specials is the inclusion of a certain famous animator that Doug has discussed
at length before. Not spoiling anything for those who haven’t seen it, but who
knew such a legend could have a stare that can burn through sheet metal.
#13: We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story
Much like Sage’s review of Twilight Of The Cockroaches, this
review might be affected by how well
you know the material it’s referencing, this time with Doug doing it in
character as Raoul Puke, a parody of the similarly-named main character from
Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. Also like with Sage’s Critic routine, this
video still works without being familiar with the character source; once again,
this was my first encounter with anything to do with the film and not only did
it not bother me, it sold me on what is now one of my all-time favourite films.
#12: Titanic: The
Animated Movie
Easily one of the most consistently funny of the show’s run,
both past and present, the Critic had a lot of good material gift-wrapped for
him with this unfathomably sugar-coated depiction of one of the most infamous
sea disasters of all time. While the rapping dog (yes, there’s one of those in
this thing; that’s how out-of-touch
it is) allowed for some good riffs, I think the best material he got came from
the mariachi rats, particularly when they start singing.
#11: Top 11 Cereal
Mascots
This is another occasion where, if I was listing purely on
amount of times viewed, this would be #1… except this time, I’m not entirely
sure why. Maybe it’s a more natural exhibition of his riffing on nostalgic
marketing than his already excellent commercial specials. Maybe it’s because of
the hefty dramatic air he gives some of these mascots, like the Trix rabbit
being a Greek tragedy and Sonny the Cuckoo Bird being a sickly drug addict.
Maybe it’s because it shows a certain level of serious analysis that would
later blossom into greater things once the reboot came around. Or maybe it’s
all of these things, I don’t know.
#10: The Worst
Christmas Special EVER
After the already-thrashed Eight Crazy Nights review, have
to admit, I was not looking forward to this one when it was first released. And
yet, he more than manages to deliver on the title with some of the most jittery
and almost schizophrenic animation, coupled with absolutely weaksauce voice
acting, to be found outside of a Phoenix Games production. It probably helps
that he closes out the review with an impromptu “THIS is what Christmas is
really about” sentiment including not only the rest of the Critic team but also
his family as well.
#9: The Last
Airbender
The only episode of the show that has so far required an entire video
series worth of setup before he even got to the film itself, this video not
only highlights how bad this horrendous adaptation is but also how good the TV
show is by comparison. He shows a real respect and admiration for the original
cartoon, almost inversely proportional to the amount of respect Shyamalan had
for the show when he was making the bloody movie. It also helps that he ends on
a sentiment concerning franchises that seriously needs to be brought up more: A
bad story doesn’t negate the good stories.
#8: A Tribute To
Siskel & Ebert
A critic doing a tribute to other critics… I’m not going to
say that I entirely ripped this one
off, but I will say that it probably influenced me somewhere along the way
while preparing for Meta Month. Actually, that comparison is kind of apropos
because this video definitely showed one of the bigger hints of the inner
fanboy that floats around a lot of Doug’s work. The amount of respect he shows
for Siskel, Ebert and even Richard Roeper (despite their flaws) is palpable and
it is kind of adorkable seeing him gush over the signed book that he got from
Ebert himself. And then Ebert saw this video, tweeted Doug and Doug framed the tweet. Yeah, more than
anything else, that level of admiration has to be commended. After a few of the
tweets I’ve gotten in response to Meta Month, I can honestly say that it is
certainly a thrill when senpai notices you.
#7: Pearl Harbor
Depicting a fictionalized version of Michael Bay’s career is
a decent idea all on its own, but using it as a Jesus allegory? This video
turned out a hell of a lot better than anyone could’ve guessed with a setup
like that. The second episode to be made after the reboot, this was the first
real inkling that this new, more skit-heavy approach by Doug might have been
the best move for him to make. It also helps that a lot of his points about the
film proper, in particular the way Bay seems to both love the military and feel
fit to show them as incompetent, are justified and make for some good classic
Critic rage-outs.
#6: Bio-Dome
Probably as a by-product of having sat through so many
horrifically terrible comedies over the last few years, it’s kind of comforting
watching a review where I can relate to just how much pain a person can go through while watching a bad comedy. It’s
something akin to going insane, especially if you’re watching something that
other people find funny (which might
be the case for this film, I honestly don’t know); you feel like your whole
reality is fucking warped. Because of this, seeing the Critic sit through
easily one of the worst comedies ever gets some real sympathy going, and his
riffing on the action is pretty much the only way any clips of this movie can
be watched without immediate bleeding from the ears and eye sockets.
#5: Animaniacs
Tribute
Full disclosure: I first found out about the existence of Animaniacs
through the Critic’s Top 11 Naughtiest Animaniac Moments. Afterwards, whenever
Pinky & the Brain would be on the TV when I got home from school, I just
had to sit down and watch it. However, where the Siskel & Ebert tribute had
the Critic in full fanboy mode, this allows for a few more traces of
professionalism in the questions he asks. Not that this is dead serious, as it
closes out on a bit of improv with the voice actors questioned that is just
made of pure joy, but he strikes a good balance between the two.
Even though Doug would sort of lampshade what he feels is
his own weak writing with this one, in all honesty, this is a pretty
well-written attempt to take the decent premise of the film and make it work.
This is the kind of video that honestly improves with re-watches, as the
character actions and motives start to make more sense when you see how they
act during the video after the fact. No spoilers here, but the setup, the
characters used, the points made about the film, the ending; this would be my go-to
video to point out where storyline reviews can work, even in a vacuum.
#2: A Simple Wish
I have a very vivid memory of watching this video for the
first time, and having my mind completely blown. The review itself is mostly
the Critic reeling at the sheer insanity on screen and the extremely
overwrought attempts to be funny, but then the ending comes around with a cameo
that I don’t think anyone saw coming.
This head-on collision between two crucial figures from my adolescence was a
glorious thing to witness, and it provided a nice means for the Critic’s
character to maybe re-evaluate how he critiques certain actors.
#1: Batman And Robin
Yeah, this one seems fairly obvious for the long-time fans,
given the presence of the now-legendary “BAT CREDIT CARD!”, but this tops the
list for different reasons than just pure entertainment value. Sure, this is
one of the classic episodes of the show with good reason as, even with a slight
plot recount hiccup, his comments are still solid. However, this particular
video reaches first because, quite frankly, this is my first in more ways than
one. This is the video that I was
shown in that computer lab all those years ago that started my cinematic
journey that led me to where I am now; this 17 minute video has had some of the
most profound effect on my cultural mindset and how I approach pretty much any form of media. It is because of this
guy that I began to realize just how crap films like Batman & Robin and
Kazaam really are, but it’s also because of this video and the progress I’d
make after it that I have been able to see the sheer artistry in my favourite
films and enjoy them on a much deeper level. This isn’t so much a case of
undying loyalty, but more undying gratitude.
Well, after such a proclamation as that, you’d think we’d be
done by now. But no, we still have one last movie review to do and, much like
the Batman & Robin review, this one has a certain amount of significance to
me as well.
Michael Bay: A name synonymous with Hollywood hackery,
thanks in no small part to his generally woeful Transformers film series. And
yet, at least in the last couple of years, I find myself defending the guy?
Okay, let me rephrase that. I’m defending the guy’s recent output which, for various reasons, I can easily say shows some
definite improvement from the guy who gave Deep Wang and “I’m directly below
the enemy scrotum”. Between the genuinely great satire of Pain & Gain, the
leap in the right direction of Transformers: Age Of Extinction and even the
surprisingly decent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, I can easily say that I
was properly looking forward to this one. I mean, there is a place in the world for Bay’s style of bona fide excess of
America, Fuck Yeah; I just wish that his latest would more resemble The Rock
than The Fallen. So, are we gonna get another Shyamalan? Only one way to find
out.
I try and make an effort when it comes to not letting production companies’
involvement with a movie deter me from seeing it. This is a big exception,
though, as we have a triumvirate of worrisome entries here: Insurge Pictures
and MTV Films’ only features of note together in recent years are two pop star
documentaries, and Platinum Dunes is the place where horror remakes go to die a
slow and ugly death, while dragging stillborn original concepts down with them.
When you include this with the fact that this is yet another entry in the
now-largely-boring found footage genre, it starts to look something that
belongs in the ‘must-avoid’ pile. But, given how much Michael Bay has managed
to seriously surprise me in the last couple of years, I am willing to at least
give this a try. That and I am kind of a sucker for time travel.
