Diamanda Hagan is honestly the person I have to thank for me
doing this whole catch-up thing in the first place. Back in November, Hagan
sent me this tweet:
Hey @SentinelM have any eps done since this list been good enough to be on the list? https://t.co/Rx3UyWDDc8 (wondering if Iv got worse:P)
It’s April again, and you know what that means! It’s once
again time for Meta Month, where I dedicate the whole month of April to
discussing my critical influences and the people that I spend an unhealthy
amount of time watching on YouTube. Well, not exactly. Given how last year’s
catalogue consisted of articles and lists that I had literally been cultivating
for at least a year beforehand, I’m not set up to do the same thing again this
year. However, I will be doing some special reviews this month as well as doing
a bit of catch-up on the reviewers I’ve already covered. See, while I have
pinned down my favourites among their respective bodies of work, they have
still been keeping busy and making videos that honestly stand alongside some of
their best. So, in light of that, I’m going to go through what they have gotten
up to over the last twelve months and cherry-pick some examples that, in my
not-so-humble opinion, deserve a spot amongst the Best Of lists I did last
year.
I make it a point not to bring up other critics when I
discuss films... mostly, and usually not by name. I’ve been on record saying
that Australian film critics, collectively, need to get their shit together as
they seem to need a lot of work when it comes to prioritizing certain titles
over others. And then there was that one time I openly said fuck you to Clem
Bastow because of her views involving the film The Intern, and while I stand by
what I said, I don’t actually mean any ill will towards any other person.
Honestly, the main reason why I don’t bring up other critics by name (unless
I’m praising the hell out of them, of course) is because most of them not only
have a lot more credibility than me when it comes to dissecting films but also
have a far larger audience as well. I don’t like tarnishing the reputation of
people who actually have a reputation
to tarnish, nor do I like diverting the few readers I have away from me. But
even with all that in mind, there is still one guy that I have been really
itching to talk about, and yet have also been trying to put off discussing on
this blog. In the annals of film criticism that don’t habitually exist on
YouTube, there is one name that is universally recognized as being one of
the... well, ‘worst’ is going a bit far, but definitely one of the less
respected critics out there. Yep, I’m talking about the white whale of the
critical world: Armond White... and why I hate his guts.
Now, there have doubtless been many, many, many articles discussing this man and how he is an absolute
mockery, and most of them bring a lot of similar points. For those not in the
know, White is a mostly print-based critic whom has grown a reputation for
being a contrarian; basically, he seems to go against popular opinion when it
comes to more popular films, even more so than his peers. To put this into
perspective, let’s go over some of his more controversial stances on some
pretty big-name releases. When the finale to the Harry Potter series came out,
and critics and audiences fawned over it (myself included; I see it as a great
conclusion to a series that I and many others grew up with alongside the
characters), White was not so impressed. To quote the man himself: “Now that
the Harry Potter series is over, maybe the truth can be realized: This has been
the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises.” In a world where
franchises are the cinematic M.O. in Hollywood, that’s a pretty big statement
to make. I mean, I get not liking it, but there is such a thing as
over-reaction when it comes to these things. I should know; I do it more than
enough in my own reviews. When the Marvel Cinematic Universe was just starting
to pick up steam with The Incredible Hulk, and fans were a tad iffy on that
effort anyway, White described it as “the crappy summer blockbuster Marvelites
probably deserve.” Putting down the fans, eh? Well, that’s one way to bring my piss to a boil. And in case this makes him come
across as a negative nancy, he has
given a positive mark to certain films. Films like the 2010 version of Clash Of
The Titans, where he said that “[Director Louis] Leterrier certainly shows a
better sense of meaningful, economic narrative than the mess that Peter Jackson
made of the interminable, incoherent Lord of the Rings trilogy.” And just in
case that didn’t cement things for you, he also called the few-lived-to-remember-it Wayan brothers film Little Man as “a near-classic comedy”.
So, this guy has the trappings of a higher-tier internet troll. Anything else we should know about
him? Well, he’s also become known for being rather boisterous when it comes to
face-to-face time with certain directors. He became web-famous for a while
when, at the 2013 New York Film Critics Circle awards ceremony, he yelled at 12
Years A Slave director Steve McQueen, called him “an embarrassing doorman and
garbage man” and told him to “kiss [his] ass!”. White vehemently insists that this
didn’t happen, but the number of outlets that have covered it (and the fact
that he seems to be one of the few people saying that he didn’t say all that) would suggest otherwise. Now, I may be an
uneducated kid from the suburbs of Sydney, but even when I didn’t like The
Quarantine Hauntings and had a chance to say it to the face of the filmmakers,
I had enough tact to not make a scene. Don’t get me wrong: I often have
daydreams about taking directors like Terrence Malick by the collar and yelling
at them for how bad their films are. However, one of the caveats that I thought existed in the difference
between YouTube critics and print critics was that the guys on print were
usually less impulsively vitriolic. Or, to put more simply, they know not to be
a dick in public.
However, I have no problem with either of these parts of his
work ethic. I mean, I’ve made it a yearly tradition to highlight where my
opinion and those of the critical masses differ, so his ‘contrarian’ views
don’t bother me too much. I mean, if you actually look at his Rotten Tomatoes
score, he actually doesn’t differ from popular opinion as much as the Internet
may have you think. He may champion Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, but he
also described the Twilight Series as “an ADHD sedative.” That quote alone kind
of warms my heart to the guy just a little bit. What also helps is that, for
him to be a true contrarian, he would have to disagree with the public for its
own sake. Instead, going by how he breaks down films, he has a very hyper-analytical
and somewhat politically-tinted approach where he puts utmost focus on films as
a means of delivering commentary, be it social, political, socio-political or
otherwise. While I consent that he may focus on the subtextual ramifications a
little too strongly, he still has his
own voice that serves its purpose in the overall critical scene. As for his
real-world antics... honestly, like a fair few of his fans, I like renegade
artists. I like Kanye West for his complete lack of a filter and occasionally
bursts of insanity, while others hate him for the same reason. Seeing someone
in my personal field of interest who a) is this well recognized and b) is this
demonstrably outspoken is kind of inspiring. He claims to have taken
inspiration from New Yorker writer Pauline Kael, who herself was denounced for
her less than popular opinions, and while I may not agree with either of them
all that much, I can see why there would be inspiration coming from either of
them.
So, you’re probably wondering why this article is titled as
it is, if I am willing to defend this guy as much as I am. Well, while I may
not hate him for the superficial reasons that so many others seem to, I have a
very definite problem with something else he has a habit of doing. Weirdly enough,
this also ties into a few of my issues with the critical scene as a whole,
something that I see Armond White as a major embodiment of. When he was a guest
on the Filmcast podcast to discuss the then-recent release of Inception,
something that he considered to be far inferior and more juvenile than Michael
Bay’s Transformers series, there was a certain line of reasoning that caught my
attention. In the After Dark edition of that same episode, he and the hosts got
to talking about the state of film criticism (as it is in the U.S.) and it’s here where the fuse gets lit for me.
Armond White hates people like me. He
hates how uneducated plebeians are being listened to as intently as people like
him, proudly boasting about his formal education on the matter. He sees it as a
sign of not only the critical scene being damaged but also Hollywood as a
whole, and he puts the blame squarely on regular filmgoers who put their money
forward to such projects. In case you missed last time I talked about this, I
absolutely hate it when critics make judgement calls like this. There is zero reason why the blame should be put
on the audience for liking/disliking a certain film, and whatever reason may
exist is probably in it of itself a judgement call. Not that the commoner audience
is entirely to blame though, as he also believes that legendary critic Roger
Ebert destroyed film criticism as we know it, thanks to his work on At The
Movies. Okay, I don’t agree with Ebert all that much either, but dude! All of
this is coming across like the kid on the playground with a new toy, who then
gets whiny when everyone has their own because he isn’t so special anymore. It
is the elitism and snobbery and holier-than-thou attitude that I have come to
despise when it comes to film criticism, and I have zero patience for it. He
may have its place in the world, but if he’s sensible, it’s way the hell away
from me.
So, in conclusion, I don’t hate Armond White because of his
differing opinions on popular films. I don’t hate him because of his openly
dickish behaviour towards certain filmmakers. I hate him because he represents
an antiquated and almost fascistic mindset that says only properly educated
people like him are allowed to have their opinions listened to, and everyone
else are just making things worse. There may be points here and there where
this notion aligns with my own disdain for the critical landscape here in
Australia, but where I have some self-awareness about the food chain, this guy
vehemently fails to realize where he is. What makes critics like Roger Ebert as
lauded as they are is that, as the times changed, they shifted to meet the new
audience. White doesn’t care about the new audience; he just wants things to be
like they were in the good ol’ days. Time to grow up, Armond, in more ways than
one. You’re not sitting in your ivory tower any more; you're sitting in its rubble.
Well, after my major spleen venting from last time (which was
met by alarmingly warm reception, might I add?), I feel a certain need to
reiterate the main point of me doing all this in the first place. As much as
this makes me come across as a rather hopeless fan-boy (which is kind of true),
these people do mean a great deal to me both in terms of entertainment and
broadening my own personal perspective on a number of things and none more so
than the Nostalgia Critic. Hell, if I had any belief in it, I could almost
carry this off as a tribute to his Avatar Episodes lists and twist it into me
just trying to ensure balance. But really, it’s just a means for me to air out
some dirty laundry I’ve been holding onto for a little too long. We’re not here
to talk about all that again, though, as this time around I’m counting my picks
for the Top 20 best episodes of the Nostalgia Critic.
#20: Demolition Man
It’s rare that a film becomes more timely after its initial release,
especially when it's an action film soaked in 90’s tropes and starring
Sylvester Stallone. Where Spoony’s review of the game got me interested in the
film initially, this definitely cemented it for me as the Critic’s jabs at how
the over-sanitized future depicted in the film is like some sort of Tumblrite
utopia… and right now, I’m just wondering why the hell the word ‘Tumblrite’
doesn’t come up on my spell check. Maybe that future really is more prevalent now than we first
thought.
#19: Harry Potter And
The Deathly Hallows Launch
An initial showing of Doug’s more lenient sensibilities on
media fandom, this video plays out a bit like a geek version of Mardi
Gras. Yeah, it’s over-the-top and most people certainly won’t comprehend a lot
of it, but the infectious sense of joy that floods these sorts of events are so
potent that, if you’re in the area, you’ll feel compelled to join in
regardless. Such is the case with the Critic, who spends some time poking fun
at the fans, but then ends up joining them as the launch clock keeps ticking
down.
#18: Felix The Cat:
The Movie
Even considering he did a whole video devoted the biggest
nostalgic mindfucks (a video that introduced me to the insane brilliance of
animator Cyriak), this would have to be the most insane film he’s looked at so
far. All the noise, all the character clutter, all the painful colour choices;
it just plain hurts to think about, let alone watch. As such, the Critic goes
into full crackdown mode as he breaks down just how much of the film doesn’t
work and its use of tropes concerning filmmaking for children that, quite
frankly, need to stop before we get any more kids schlock like this and Home. Also, “I want you to make
him look like he’s dry-humping a trash can.”
#17: The Haunting
A subversion of the Critic’s semi-regular comparison series
Old Vs. New, he forgoes the traditional format of breaking the individual
elements of each iteration of the story and instead strictly points out how
much the remake pulled a Zeno’s arrow in how badly it missed the mark. Sure, he
gives credit to some decent casting decisions, and his over-the-top lauding
over Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hilarious, but I think it’s the Critic’s
comments about the depiction of gay and lesbian characters in fiction that
really strike a chord with me. Mainly because, even though he’s directly
talking about how the 90’s treated them, we’re still using the same writing
styles even today; more’s the pity.
#16: Let’s Play
Bart’s Nightmare
Yeah, bet you weren’t expecting this one. And no, I’m not
trolling; I genuinely love this video. Ignoring the hideous backlash that came
as a result of this infamous little number, the core joke that Doug was going
for with this video about how Let’s Plays aren’t as easy as the layman may
think actually works here. It comes across more like the Critic as a character
is in over his head more than Doug as a person and, after the rage has died
down, it’s easy enough to get that from his performance. That, and it’s some
good reaction porn with how he just raves like a manic chimpanzee at the game
itself.
#15: Mamma Mia!
Far better than I have ever been able to articulate it
before (despite my best efforts), this review manages to pin down just
about everything wrong with the prototypical ‘chick flick’. He even gets down
to brass tacks when it comes to the issue of the comedy part of the
romantic-comedy, leading to a point that I seriously wish was referred to more
often as it’s an issue that never ceases to irk general movie-goers.
#14: Conquest Of The
Commercials
I should really hate this video for making sure that that
bloody “Zestfully Clean” jingle never
leaves my head, but as usual his picks for nostalgic commercials to look at is
top-notch. However, what makes this higher up than the other commercial
specials is the inclusion of a certain famous animator that Doug has discussed
at length before. Not spoiling anything for those who haven’t seen it, but who
knew such a legend could have a stare that can burn through sheet metal.
#13: We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story
Much like Sage’s review of Twilight Of The Cockroaches, this
review might be affected by how well
you know the material it’s referencing, this time with Doug doing it in
character as Raoul Puke, a parody of the similarly-named main character from
Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. Also like with Sage’s Critic routine, this
video still works without being familiar with the character source; once again,
this was my first encounter with anything to do with the film and not only did
it not bother me, it sold me on what is now one of my all-time favourite films.
#12: Titanic: The
Animated Movie
Easily one of the most consistently funny of the show’s run,
both past and present, the Critic had a lot of good material gift-wrapped for
him with this unfathomably sugar-coated depiction of one of the most infamous
sea disasters of all time. While the rapping dog (yes, there’s one of those in
this thing; that’s how out-of-touch
it is) allowed for some good riffs, I think the best material he got came from
the mariachi rats, particularly when they start singing.
#11: Top 11 Cereal
Mascots
This is another occasion where, if I was listing purely on
amount of times viewed, this would be #1… except this time, I’m not entirely
sure why. Maybe it’s a more natural exhibition of his riffing on nostalgic
marketing than his already excellent commercial specials. Maybe it’s because of
the hefty dramatic air he gives some of these mascots, like the Trix rabbit
being a Greek tragedy and Sonny the Cuckoo Bird being a sickly drug addict.
Maybe it’s because it shows a certain level of serious analysis that would
later blossom into greater things once the reboot came around. Or maybe it’s
all of these things, I don’t know.
#10: The Worst
Christmas Special EVER
After the already-thrashed Eight Crazy Nights review, have
to admit, I was not looking forward to this one when it was first released. And
yet, he more than manages to deliver on the title with some of the most jittery
and almost schizophrenic animation, coupled with absolutely weaksauce voice
acting, to be found outside of a Phoenix Games production. It probably helps
that he closes out the review with an impromptu “THIS is what Christmas is
really about” sentiment including not only the rest of the Critic team but also
his family as well.
#9: The Last
Airbender
The only episode of the show that has so far required an entire video
series worth of setup before he even got to the film itself, this video not
only highlights how bad this horrendous adaptation is but also how good the TV
show is by comparison. He shows a real respect and admiration for the original
cartoon, almost inversely proportional to the amount of respect Shyamalan had
for the show when he was making the bloody movie. It also helps that he ends on
a sentiment concerning franchises that seriously needs to be brought up more: A
bad story doesn’t negate the good stories.
#8: A Tribute To
Siskel & Ebert
A critic doing a tribute to other critics… I’m not going to
say that I entirely ripped this one
off, but I will say that it probably influenced me somewhere along the way
while preparing for Meta Month. Actually, that comparison is kind of apropos
because this video definitely showed one of the bigger hints of the inner
fanboy that floats around a lot of Doug’s work. The amount of respect he shows
for Siskel, Ebert and even Richard Roeper (despite their flaws) is palpable and
it is kind of adorkable seeing him gush over the signed book that he got from
Ebert himself. And then Ebert saw this video, tweeted Doug and Doug framed the tweet. Yeah, more than
anything else, that level of admiration has to be commended. After a few of the
tweets I’ve gotten in response to Meta Month, I can honestly say that it is
certainly a thrill when senpai notices you.
#7: Pearl Harbor
Depicting a fictionalized version of Michael Bay’s career is
a decent idea all on its own, but using it as a Jesus allegory? This video
turned out a hell of a lot better than anyone could’ve guessed with a setup
like that. The second episode to be made after the reboot, this was the first
real inkling that this new, more skit-heavy approach by Doug might have been
the best move for him to make. It also helps that a lot of his points about the
film proper, in particular the way Bay seems to both love the military and feel
fit to show them as incompetent, are justified and make for some good classic
Critic rage-outs.
#6: Bio-Dome
Probably as a by-product of having sat through so many
horrifically terrible comedies over the last few years, it’s kind of comforting
watching a review where I can relate to just how much pain a person can go through while watching a bad comedy. It’s
something akin to going insane, especially if you’re watching something that
other people find funny (which might
be the case for this film, I honestly don’t know); you feel like your whole
reality is fucking warped. Because of this, seeing the Critic sit through
easily one of the worst comedies ever gets some real sympathy going, and his
riffing on the action is pretty much the only way any clips of this movie can
be watched without immediate bleeding from the ears and eye sockets.
#5: Animaniacs
Tribute
Full disclosure: I first found out about the existence of Animaniacs
through the Critic’s Top 11 Naughtiest Animaniac Moments. Afterwards, whenever
Pinky & the Brain would be on the TV when I got home from school, I just
had to sit down and watch it. However, where the Siskel & Ebert tribute had
the Critic in full fanboy mode, this allows for a few more traces of
professionalism in the questions he asks. Not that this is dead serious, as it
closes out on a bit of improv with the voice actors questioned that is just
made of pure joy, but he strikes a good balance between the two.
Even though Doug would sort of lampshade what he feels is
his own weak writing with this one, in all honesty, this is a pretty
well-written attempt to take the decent premise of the film and make it work.
This is the kind of video that honestly improves with re-watches, as the
character actions and motives start to make more sense when you see how they
act during the video after the fact. No spoilers here, but the setup, the
characters used, the points made about the film, the ending; this would be my go-to
video to point out where storyline reviews can work, even in a vacuum.
#2: A Simple Wish
I have a very vivid memory of watching this video for the
first time, and having my mind completely blown. The review itself is mostly
the Critic reeling at the sheer insanity on screen and the extremely
overwrought attempts to be funny, but then the ending comes around with a cameo
that I don’t think anyone saw coming.
This head-on collision between two crucial figures from my adolescence was a
glorious thing to witness, and it provided a nice means for the Critic’s
character to maybe re-evaluate how he critiques certain actors.
#1: Batman And Robin
Yeah, this one seems fairly obvious for the long-time fans,
given the presence of the now-legendary “BAT CREDIT CARD!”, but this tops the
list for different reasons than just pure entertainment value. Sure, this is
one of the classic episodes of the show with good reason as, even with a slight
plot recount hiccup, his comments are still solid. However, this particular
video reaches first because, quite frankly, this is my first in more ways than
one. This is the video that I was
shown in that computer lab all those years ago that started my cinematic
journey that led me to where I am now; this 17 minute video has had some of the
most profound effect on my cultural mindset and how I approach pretty much any form of media. It is because of this
guy that I began to realize just how crap films like Batman & Robin and
Kazaam really are, but it’s also because of this video and the progress I’d
make after it that I have been able to see the sheer artistry in my favourite
films and enjoy them on a much deeper level. This isn’t so much a case of
undying loyalty, but more undying gratitude.
Well, after such a proclamation as that, you’d think we’d be
done by now. But no, we still have one last movie review to do and, much like
the Batman & Robin review, this one has a certain amount of significance to
me as well.
