Dragon Rider (2021) - Movie Review

You know you’ve seen too many bad talking animal movies when you start to cherish the ones that are merely passable. Nothing all that special, not all that particularly entertaining, but at least it isn’t a total trainwreck to sit through. That itself is quite surprising, coming from a film that the marketing is desperately trying to convince is on par with How To Train Your Dragon, made by a director whose only past credits are with sideways-glancing nature mockumentaries, and a writer who helped unleash The Queen’s Corgi on an unsuspecting public. And yet, all three of those preconceptions do add up to why this film turns out as purely average as it is.

Johnny English Strikes Again (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: The database of MI7 has been hacked, compromising the identities of every active agent in the organisation. Left with no other alternative, the British Prime Minister (Emma Thompson) brings in retired agent and now school teacher Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson). With the aid of his partner Bough (Ben Miller), Johnny sets out to find out who was behind the hack, finding trails that lead him to the mysterious Ophelia (Olga Kurylenko) and technology magnate Jason Volta (Jake Lacy). Shame he's still a little too dense to realize that.

Peter Pan XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2015) - Movie Review

Back when I reviewed Pan, I made a statement to the effect of how I’d seen porn do a better job at adapting Peter Pan than that movie did. Well, since I’m feeling a bit experimental today, let’s see if that is actually true. Yep, break out your eye-patches and ‘pixie dust’ because we’re taking a look at a porn parody. Porn parodies might be the most bemusing concept I’ve come across, and yet it’s also one of the most prevalent nowadays; I mean, why actively say that you’re trying to put effort into writing that no-one is watching your work for anyway? Kind of the same situation with proper action films, come to think of it. Of course, nowadays, people don’t even try to get clever with their titles, just going with (Thing We’re Basing Our Sex On): A XXX Parody or, God forbid, This Ain’t (Thing We’re Basing Our Sex On) XXX. Probably the big name when it comes to porn parodies is Lee Roy Myers, the guy responsible for Katy Pervy: The XXX Parody where Katy Perry fucks Elmo. Yes, this exists, and yes, it is incredibly awkward to sit through. Chances are you’ll never be able to see that red fuzzy thing again after hearing him say "Suck Elmo’s dick". Oh, by the way, this review is also going to contain a lot heavier language than is usually seen here; it’s got XXX right in the title, so hopefully this isn’t that much of a surprise. Anyway, in a serious break from my usual area of pseudo-expertise, it’s time to delve into a completely different area of pseudo-expertise; as a child of the Internet, it’s almost my job to know about these things anyway.

Superfast (& Superfurious) (2015) - Movie Review

It is a common thesis that the collective idea of Hell that is eternal flames may not be the case. More likely, we all craft our realms of Hell based on that which we most despise. Well, if that does end up being the case when I ultimately shift this mortal coil, I and all other devotees of cinema will be stuck in a cramped and humid theatre forever watching the ceaseless torment that is the complete works of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Otherwise known as the infamous duo behind the ____ Movies (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, etc.), these are often in the discussion for the worst filmmakers of all time and with very good reason. Their own special brand of ‘parody’ consists of time capsule pop culture references that make sure that they become outdated even as they are being filmed, as well as teenage pandering with M-rated fanservice and low-brow gags. Actually, I take that last one back, because referring to these hacks as being “low-brow” would diminish the work of people like Trey Parker and Matt Stone who make low-brow jokes that are actually fucking funny! Good God, I am looking forward to this like the prospect of actually going to Hell, only without the sense of theological confirmation that would come with it. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.