Peter Pan XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2015) - Movie Review

Back when I reviewed Pan, I made a statement to the effect of how I’d seen porn do a better job at adapting Peter Pan than that movie did. Well, since I’m feeling a bit experimental today, let’s see if that is actually true. Yep, break out your eye-patches and ‘pixie dust’ because we’re taking a look at a porn parody. Porn parodies might be the most bemusing concept I’ve come across, and yet it’s also one of the most prevalent nowadays; I mean, why actively say that you’re trying to put effort into writing that no-one is watching your work for anyway? Kind of the same situation with proper action films, come to think of it. Of course, nowadays, people don’t even try to get clever with their titles, just going with (Thing We’re Basing Our Sex On): A XXX Parody or, God forbid, This Ain’t (Thing We’re Basing Our Sex On) XXX. Probably the big name when it comes to porn parodies is Lee Roy Myers, the guy responsible for Katy Pervy: The XXX Parody where Katy Perry fucks Elmo. Yes, this exists, and yes, it is incredibly awkward to sit through. Chances are you’ll never be able to see that red fuzzy thing again after hearing him say "Suck Elmo’s dick". Oh, by the way, this review is also going to contain a lot heavier language than is usually seen here; it’s got XXX right in the title, so hopefully this isn’t that much of a surprise. Anyway, in a serious break from my usual area of pseudo-expertise, it’s time to delve into a completely different area of pseudo-expertise; as a child of the Internet, it’s almost my job to know about these things anyway.

The plot: It’s porn. It doesn’t have one.

Okay, tell a lie, there is some semblance of a plot here. Basically, the film is about a grown-up Wendy (because, unlike Lost Girls, there’s no way that this could get away with her being underage) who returns to Neverland. It’s kind of like Hook, only if we actually spent time with grown-up Wendy instead of just seeing her in chronological pit stops. With that in mind, this already has at least some semblance of a decent idea behind it, meaning that we haven’t even gotten to the actual porn yet and already this is doing a better job than Pan. Beyond that, Peter (after giving her some “happy thoughts”) needs Wendy’s help to rescue Tinker Bell from Captain Hook. He’d ask the Lost Boys, but it seems that they have all gone the way of piracy. Once again, a decent idea. Of course, that’s all they end up being: Nice ideas. We’re still talking about a porno here, so it’s not as if they can be implemented all that well. However, there is one neat trick in the casting that is actually kind of clever: The actor playing Wendy’s husband Clive (Steven St. Croix) is the same actor playing Captain Hook. This is the last thing I expected to say about a porno flick, but there’s a little bit that can be read into that dual casting. Then again, this is far less of a ‘parody’ and more just a fanfic, which is kind of misleading but then again again this did make me laugh more than a few times.

Steven St. Croix is awesome in this thing. Seriously, he is actually having fun on set beyond just the genital IKEA instructions, as he is equally over-the-top goofy as both Clive and the Captain. That’s about it in terms of intentional laughs. Let’s get into the other things that elicit giggles in this thing. Okay, Peter (Ryan Ryder)’s hair has obviously been dyed a bright red, but I can’t tell if his dye is running down onto his face or if he is naturally that red in the face before the sex even starts. I’m willing to go for the latter because, unless he dyed all of his hair, then he is consistently red all over his body. Of all the characters in this story, Peter is the last person I was expecting to make me ask "What makes the red man red?"

And speaking of ‘not-sure-if-intentional’ production values, whoever did the sound setup needed to focus a bit more. Even though they keep using a boom mic for their audio, which you can tell from how it occasionally drops down into frame, it keeps sounding like they’re using lapel mics because something keeps hitting the recording source. Not only that, said boom mic mustn’t be tuned too well because, in the opening half-hour scene, you can clearly see Wendy (Keira Nicole/Cosima Dunkin) talking usual dirty stuff but you can barely hear any of it. And no, this isn’t a case of me intentionally keeping the volume low in case someone overheard; the audio is perfectly fine in the very next scene. Alongside the audio is the blue screening, which varies from sub-standard TV quality work to having one random shot where they didn’t even Chroma-key anything; all you see is the blue screen setup and the actors in front of it, along with miscellaneous shit in the background where it wasn’t draped over. It’s that bizarre and jarring a moment that I can’t even tell if it was an accident that was left in, or some sort of joke about how hokey their own effects are. Oh well, either way, the effect is still the same: Instant hilarity.

Oh yeah, might as well actually talk about the main attraction in a film like this: The fucking. And since all this really is is a collection of couplings, I might as well break it down scene-by-scene. Hey, it’s a porno; it’s not as if there’s much else to talk about. At the start, after our awesome introduction to Clive, we have our dyed and very Scottish Peter Pan having sex with Wendy. A bit slobbery, and again the audio isn’t the best, but what hurts it most is how bloody long it goes on for… I need better phrasing, but fuck it… yep, definitely need better phrasing. Okay, regardless, it is easily the longest scene at about half an hour long; you know you’re in trouble when even I’m saying that it’s taking too long. It would’ve been nice if we got a mid-air flying sex scene like in So Long And Thanks For All The Fish, but whatever. It’s also kind of awkward how Peter crows after he finishes, but it’s not timed right for it to really work as a joke… if that was even what they were going for. It’s more a signal for the end of the scene than a jokey groan.

Then we get Tinker Bell (Riley Steele) and Captain Hook, which is around the time that the infamous Blue Screen Of Hilarity happens. No, the scene itself isn’t some bizarre gainer fetish fulfillment; it just involves Hook being shrunk down and then screwing the fairy. St. Croix’s voice is a little too funny to really focus on the act itself, but then again Tinker Bell’s mysteriously bruised knee is distraction enough. Then, it’s mermaid time as Wendy and Peter reach Neverland and, as bizarrely interesting as it could have been, it doesn’t involve a scene with women who have giant fish heads and human legs. Instead, it’s just an oral scene with Peter and two regular mermaids (Aiden Ashley and Mia Malkova), kind of wasting an opportunity by not including Wendy into the deal, but regardless it’s just an oral scene; if that’s your thing, then this should be perfectly serviceable.

Then we meet Tiger Lily (Vicki Chase) and holy hell, she actually looks like she could pass for a Native American. Why is it here of all places that I end up finding the film that does that right? Anyway, she and Tinker Bell (now human size) meet the tribe’s leader: Bigodick. They both bang him in order to wake him out of a trance, and the whole time all I’m thinking is could they really not think of a better name for this guy? Like, even for an industry that built itself on silly names, that’s pretty fucking lame. Hell, it’s not even that accurate as both he and Hook fall pretty short against Peter; maybe that’s the point, I don’t know. Regardless, after a decent threesome scene, some nice acting from Chase (well, in terms of what a porn star is meant to convey, at least), and discovering the word “Tinkerbooty”, we get our final scene involving Wendy, Smee (Jay Crew/Jake Jacobs) and two of the Lost Boys-turned-Pirates (Dane Cross and Jake Taylor/Jake Jace).

Wendy is dressed up as a pirate, and announced by a record scratch like this is the 90’s all over again, but more than piratical poon, the thing that keeps my attention is the actor playing Smee. Not only is he too camp to fit into this kind of porn, he also seems to be channelling Robin Williams as Peter Pan; surely, there’s a way of working this into a re-write of Hook where Peter became the new Smee. Even more fanfiction possibilities! Anyway, awkward threesome ensues because they don’t know what to do with Smee other than have him give hilarious encouragement during it (“Give her the salty balls”, etc.), but then again the guy is in his late fifties by this point; chances are he knows what he’s doing more than the others. Literal circle-jerking occurs and every pole is cycled through every hole, aside from the ass which hasn’t been used at all in this film, climax, hilarious encounter between Peter and Hook, weirdly ironic use of “it’s not the size” line, and amazingly cheap alligator does away with Hook. Happy endings all round.

All in all, this exists to fulfil a basic physical and primal need, so whatever stupid gaffes exist in the production aren’t important anyway. That said, since there are porn parodies out there that make a decent effort like The Breakfast Club XXX, it’s still fair to judge this as a weak parody if that is even the right term for it. Honestly, it would be a better idea to hunt down the ‘Bigodick’ scene on its own, as the rest of it just doesn’t compare to it.