Peter Rabbit 2 (2021) - Movie Review

I didn’t really know what to expect out of this movie. Between the initial trailer being as middling as it was, it being one of the first films to be made to do the COVID shuffle, and the original being so wildly inconsistent, I went into this follow-up without much expectation, other than hoping it wouldn’t derail itself with food allergies again. And to its credit, it left the realistic Epi-pen shit alone this time around… but it still managed to derail itself. In monumental, rubber-necking, legitimately infuriating fashion. Slow claps all round.

Cats (2019) [Yes, that one] - Movie Review

This really is the year that keeps proving me wrong in the worst possible ways, it seems. Back when I reviewed the Aladdin remake, I foolishly thought that that would be the worst it could get for instant audience scepticism that a film will be any good. And then in walks this little film, lighting the literate masses’ brains of fire with just how nightmarish it apparently is. It went beyond merely the marketing and went into the post-film conversation itself, not to mention the post-release conversation. I went into this expecting an unmitigated train wreck, the kind that makes for a delirious viewing experience… and admittedly, this is indeed a train wreck. But it’s not even the fun kind.

Smallfoot (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: Migo (Channing Tatum) lives in a mountain village with the rest of his Yeti tribe, but after a mysterious metallic vessel lands on the island, he comes face-to-face with a creature he had only heard about in legend: The Smallfoot. Said Smallfoot, struggling TV personality Percy (James Corden), is also aghast that he has discovered a creature that he didn't even know existed. However, as their paths converge and their respective societies react to the other's existence, it seems that things are only going to get stranger from here.

Peter Rabbit (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: After the sudden death of farmer Joe McGregor (Sam Neill), Peter Rabbit (James Corden) and his woodland friends use the opportunity to take back the farmer's garden, and his house, for themselves. However, once news of the death reaches Joe's nephew Thomas (Domhnall Gleeson), he plans to fix up the house, secure the garden and, if necessary, get rid of any pests that try to sneak into either. As Peter and his friends try to fend off the new neighbour, and Thomas strikes up a friendship with Bea (Rose Byrne), who takes care of Peter and his extended family, both Peter and Thomas are hell-bent on winning this fight.

The Emoji Movie (2017) - Movie Review

2017 has been an… interesting year so far. In the real world, a series of natural disasters and what appears to be a Twitter-influenced update on the Cold War going on between the U.S. and North Korea has put a lot of worry in people that we are on the brink of destruction. Oh, and some other stuff concerning sexuality just to make everyone seem even more petty than they already are. In situations like this, I and quite a few others would turn to popular entertainment to get away from it all: Movies, TV (or rather Netflix nowadays), video games, literature; whatever gets the mind off things for a little while.

 

Well, in terms of movies at least, that isn’t working all that well either. Over the past couple of months, a series of underperforming releases have resulted in some of the lowest U.S. box office returns on record. If it wasn't for It breaking audience records at the same time, the industry could be in legitimate trouble at this stage. As much as people are quick to jump on whatever hate bandwagon that could even remotely explain this, with everyone from the filmmakers to the critics to the general audiences getting thrown into the crossfire, I’d like to think that there is a far simpler explanation for all this.

 

That explanation, as you may have already guessed, is the subject of today’s review: A film that has gotten legendarily awful reviews, the kind that can secure a release into the annals of all-time bad filmmaking. And I can hardly friggin’ blame them, quite honestly, and you’ll see why as we get into this. This is The Emoji Movie… when this first got announced, I knew this would be a real piece of work, but even that couldn’t have prepared me for this.

Trolls (2016) - Movie Review

Well, in-between our obsession with comic book heroes and bitching about mostly female casts in movies, we seem to have to tumbled all the way back into the 80’s. How else do you explain the number of doll/action figure movies we’ve gotten this year? What’s more, we seem to have latched onto the 80’s anything-counts-as-inspiration mindset without really taking the time and effort to properly incorporate them into something them young people today would like. Case in point, Jem And The Holograms, which was about as jarringly anachronistic as it gets without any bloody reason for it. Then we have today’s subject… and if the sight of twerking trolls from the advertising didn’t turn your stomach, then quite frankly, I need whatever industrial-strength medication you’re on because I could certainly use it. So, yeah, I’m not expecting anything good from this. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Please prove me wrong.

Into The Woods (2014) - Movie Review

The plot: A baker (James Corden) and his wife (Emily Blunt) have been cursed by a witch (Meryl Streep) so that they can never have children. In order to stop the curse, they need to retrieve four items: A cow as white as milk, a hood as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn and a slipper as pure as gold; but in order to collect them, they run into some rather familiar characters.