The Curse Of Bridge Hollow (2022) - Movie Review

Okay, I’ll be honest, my brain still feels cooked after looking at Neptune Frost, so I’m going for something a bit simpler to digest here. As per usual, I’m going by the names attached to this thing first and foremost, and this has got some doozies. Director Jeff Wadlow, who is to horror what a Big Mac is to a toilet seat, and star Marlon Wayons, who seems to be gunning for Tyler Perry’s thronemade of human shame. Add to that writer Todd Berger, whose work on The Happytime Murders had its moments that were ultimately let-down by the basic-bitch approach to its core genre, and I’ll admit that I’m not expecting great things from this. But let it be said I genuinely checked this out in good faith, as I have a lot of space in my heart for film creatives being able to redeem themselves for past failures; I am nothing if not hopeful. And while I can’t say that this isn’t quite that good, it’s still a hell of a lot better than I was anticipating.

The War With Grandpa (2020) - Movie Review

This is the perfect storm of bad movie. Family film starring late-period Robert De Niro? Check. Uma Thurman overacting to the point you forget she’s actually talented? Check. Made by a filmmaker who proved this same year to be above this shit? Check. Written by the duo who gave us one of the worst scripts of all time? Check. Filmed years ago but only got pulled off the shelf during a dead cinematic season? Check. Reason for said shelving involving Weinstein? Check, check, and check. This film’s mere existence is baffling enough, but the actual content is on a whole other level.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life (2017) - Movie Review

Well, after looking at the terrors of later adolescence a while back, it only serves to reason that I would follow that up with a look into the earlier years of high school (or middle school, as the Yanks call it)… and somehow, that represents an even worse point for anyone going through the traditional school system. The later years of high school still suck, but at least they have a definite tone to them; that being adjusting to the adult world and its many challenges distilled through the experience of educational imprisonment (or, at least, that’s how it feels). Years 7-9, however? It’s basically one big shift of perspective and needing to adjust to not being the hot shit anymore.

Seriously, the key reason why first year students are so insufferable is because they’re still adjusting from being king of the hill in primary school to being back at the bottom of the rung in high school. They need their egos checked and the older kids are more than willing to do so, usually through some combination of balloons, water, flour and a decent throwing arm. So, with all this in mind, how does today’s look at the hell of early high school turn out, considering it’s made by one of the architects of the abomination that is Movie 43?

True Memoirs Of An International Assassin (2016) - Movie Review

I’ve briefly touched on this topic before, but still, the question begs to be asked: Why do people tell the stories that they do? More to the point, why do people create the stories that they do? The answers are great and varied from a want to convey an emotion that is too potent for mere verbal communication to contain on its own, to an innate need to comment on something wrong with society, past or present. Hell, sometimes it can be just a desire to tell a story and using whatever elements are at your low-to-nill disposable income to make it happen. Insert joke about how Happy Madison’s alumni don’t need a reason for the films they make and just do it for the money.

That mentality that looks into why these stories exist is the main reason why I love metafiction as much as I do; I love stories that question the inner workings of its own making and the people pulling the strings to make it happen. So, even considering this film’s current standing at a flat 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, I’ll admit that I was curious about this one. Since we’re all thinking the same thing at this point, that I’m giving this film too much credence to exist, let’s just get into this thing already.