She’s an official friend of the blog, she gave me my first
ever podcast appearance (and my second), she’s probably one of the few proper
allies I have within the realm of media criticism. And yet, if you are ever unfortunate to catch me
watching one of her videos concerning Doctor Who, you would see fanboy rage the
likes of which even God has never seen before. Seriously, if I lacked any form
of perspective, I could easily make up a Top 10 Worst Videos list made up of her Twatty Who Reviews. But this is
something I’ve even talked with her before on the podcast, so this is hardly
anything new. So, with that little dummy spit out of the way, let’s get into
the list already.
#20: From Beyond
For those of you who still think Awoken is a mockery of the
Cthulhu Mythos, here’s a serving of some of the most glaring and yet apparently
unintentional homoerotic subtext that I have ever seen, let alone in the name
of a Lovecraft adaptation. This kind of weirdly hilarious bit of body horror is
exactly the kind of wheelhouse Hagan exists in for review material; let this
set the tone for the rest of the list. Or, perhaps the next one will.
#19: Forgive Me For
Raping You
I mentioned this back in my Loving A Vegetable review, and
this video is probably where I got the majority of my knowledge of the film
from. If there was anyone else (aside from me, at least) that thought my
attempt to make nothing but awkwardly shot rape scenes seem interesting didn’t
work out, then this is where that attempt actually succeeded.
#18: Sextette
One of the more bizarre vanity projects out there, with some
of the most baffling casting of any film, Hagan has a prime hunting ground for
taking shots at how insanely self-pandering it is for Mae West, as well as her
many, many old-timey one-liners that
are somehow even older and more decrepid than she is.
#17: Unashamed
One of the surprisingly good ideas Hagan had with the series
was the “Possession” reviews, where she’d get a colleague to do a review
written by her as the character of Diamanda Hagan. This time around, it’s resident deep-thinker Leon Thomas of Renegade Cut fame and he does the role justice as he looks at this embarrassingly
coy public domain film.
#16: Starrbooty
Starting off the review of a film that’s supposed to look
bad with the reveal that Hagan intentionally dumbs down her production quality
to “blend in with the crowd”, which is a nice touch, she and the film form this
weird bond as the review goes on. It’s like, because they both know that this
was done deliberately, they flow together on all of the jokes made. I always
get a kick out of just how much she enjoys the montages, especially when the
opera singing starts up.
#15: Preaching To The
Perverted
For a well-crafted lesson in Self-Canon, here’s a video
where the Mistress reviews a film that was based loosely on her own life; it
being about a woman who runs a den of sin that the Christians want to take
down. It’s reviews like this that actually make the genuine character of the
Lecher Bitch stand out and feel breathing of its own accord, probably making
her one of the few that’s been able to pull off ‘review as a character’ idea
well; this would explain why the Possession reviews go so well.
#14: Harlem Rides The
Range
And speaking of which, here’s another Possession review,
this time with previous Meta Month subject the Rap Critic. While his valiant
attempt at an Irish accent is commendable on its own, I’m honestly more
impressed by how well he managed to pin down Hagan’s mannerisms and vocal
inflections. As for the content itself, I could listen to ‘The Hagan Critic’
point out how much of a dick the main character of the film forever.
#13: Where The Dead
Go To Die
This would ordinarily rank as a review that is made memorable
by its material, given how I rather foolishly got a copy of the film myself,
reviewed it and then cried in the corner for several days. However, this
actually serves as a good first-step for those who are interested in the film
itself, since Hagan’s riffing and moments of pain help the clips of the film go
down a lot smoother. I am still ashamed to say that the film itself might be
one of the single best films I’ve sat through, but for what it’s worth, this is where I found it from.
#12: Fuck
Not since The Needle Drop have I seen someone make a literal
one-word review sound so good. This is essentially a master class when it comes
to making just about anything funny based purely on how its delivered; it is
seriously insane how good this is at a purely comedic level.
#11: Apocalypse 2:
Revelation
A critic reviewing their own show… sounds familiar. Okay, my essential theft of the idea to kick off this whole month aside, I have a lot of respect for people who are able to so thoroughly take the piss out of themselves. I make no secret that I was trying to be even a third as self-incisive as this ended up and… well, given how high up this video landed on my list, you can guess that mine doesn’t even compare.
How do you become the worst part of a quadrilogy of films
that are pretty much guaranteed garbage? Well, miscast Jeff Fahey, virtual
reality gobbledegook and implied child rape is a damn good start. Add these to
the scenery-chewing villain and Hagan has more than enough material to work
with, even bringing in Aleister D. Homelesssb’sterrd for more drunken actor
shenanigans.
#10: Freaks
More Possession goodness, this time with who I think can
officially be designated as my critical crush Oancitizen. Given how this is
essentially the video that had sell the whole idea behind the Possession
reviews to begin with, Kyle does a great job with not only the concept of
performing Hagan’s material as her character but also Hagan’s jokes about the
film focused entirely on real-life freak show performers are funny while not
entering into the realm of insensitive. Well, more so than the film itself at
any rate. “Aw, she’s like an angry Russian nesting doll! Not again!”
#9: Schizophreniac:
The Whore Mangler
“Oh my God, it’s… Halloween, remade on a tiny budget. By
chimps.” Believe it or not, this film is even more insane than that sentence
makes it out to be. The film’s main character, Henry Russo, is one of the most
awesome psychopaths that nary a person has heard of, and our resident
psychopath does a great job working as the superego to the hideously enraged id
that is Henry.
#8: Thomas And The
Magic Railroad/Aftermath
She reviews a very disturbing film about graphic necrophilia,
and yet all we see is Alec Baldwin talking with a train. A gag review to be
sure, it plays up to a lot of the ethos in Hagan’s approach to horrifying
images: Sometimes, it’s worse when you can’t
see them. This would lead to something truly terrifying with her review of
Chirpy, one of the few Internet videos that has been able to mentally break me,
but I prefer this one a lot better.
#7: Exorcist:
Dominion
Another review where Hagan shakes up the character dynamics
of the show, only she pulls a Mirror Universe on us this time around. She
reviews it as basically Hagan’s diametric opposite, as the slave of an empire
ruled by the show’s resident butt-monkey Teddy. It makes for a great contrast
to the rest of her reviews, which would explain why she wound up bringing Nina
Galas out again for King Solomon’s Mines.
#6: A Diamanda Hagan
Review...
A critic reviewing their own show… sounds familiar. Okay, my essential theft of the idea to kick off this whole month aside, I have a lot of respect for people who are able to so thoroughly take the piss out of themselves. I make no secret that I was trying to be even a third as self-incisive as this ended up and… well, given how high up this video landed on my list, you can guess that mine doesn’t even compare.
#5: The Island Of
Doctor Moreau
The pinnacle of the Possession review canon, with Rap
Critic, Oancitizen and JewWario all reviewing this colossal trainwreck as
Hagan… as well as Hagan herself. Yeah, they somehow made the concept of
watching four versions of the same person reviewing the same film work, which
makes a weird form of sense considering we end up getting an off-screen sex
scene between three of them. Hagan has a weird habit of making the fanfiction
for us.
#4: Koyaanisqatsi
From a nice bit of banter between Hagan and her wife The
Omega, we traverse to one of popular Internet composer Skitch’s rare
appearances as a main character in one of these reviews, who somehow manages to
carry an even greater air of superiority than even the Snob could manage. Beyond
that, it basically rides on a single joke, that being Hagan trying to positively review the film in question
but she keeps getting interrupted by a chorus made up of Mikey, Some Jerk With
A Camera, Rap Critic (again?) and Oancitizen (AGAIN?!). But it’s still a gag
that’s pulled off really well, especially when they start repeating what Hagan
is saying.
#3: Myra Breckinridge
A team-up between Hagan and the Cinema Snob on what is
easily the biggest example of “What The Fuck, Hollywood?!”, it may not measure
up to Hagan’s core reason for looking at the film to begin with but their
chemistry together is impeccable.
#2: Left Behind
It’s a safe bet to say that, of all the reviewers I’ll ever
end up covering for Meta Month, Hagan is the most emphatically atheist of the
lot. We got tastes of it back with Forgive Me For Raping You and the Apocalypse
quadrilogy, but here’s the main article. She cuts several swathes through the
film’s insane grip on politics, its utter nonsense in its depiction of
Christian doctrine and the sheer existence of Kirk Cameron who, believe it or
not, would only end up making worse
Christian films as he went on. It even ends on a note that not only pays lip
service to Hagan the person’s religious ideals (or lack thereof), but also
Hagan the character’s god complex and mentality.
#1: Eat The
Schoolgirl
Alright, I admit it: I really love Diamanda Hagan and I
really love Oancitizen; they bring the best out of each other on screen.
Oancitizen’s overanalytical side goes haywire, leading up to a moment that well
and truly rounds off the variety we get from Mistress Hagan. Another thing that
seems to bring out the biggest laughs from Kyle are apparently snails.
Next time… next time, we’ll be hitting a bit more of a
sombre mood as I take a look at a critic’s final ever work. Word of warning
now: It is going to get seriously emotional.
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