Spy Kids: Armageddon (2023) - Movie Review

Even before I recognised Robert Rodriguez’s name as a filmmaker, the Spy Kids series was the shit when I was a kid. The first one in particularly was largely responsible for me going through a major spy phase, getting a bunch of toy gadgets and playing mock action spy in the playground… alone… because goddamn, if you think reading my words as an adult makes me look awkward, kid-me was even worse. And the films themselves have held pretty damn well… okay, two of them have held up really well, with 3-D: Game Over having aged especially poorly thanks to the visuals and ugly-ass red-blue 3D, and All The Time In The World being just a categorical disaster that Rodriguez himself was basically strong-armed into doing thanks to Harvey Weinstein (a statement which itself has aged even worse than Game Over).

But even those films still held onto the unshakeable earnestness that RR approaches every production with. The way he wrapped up so many wrong-headed ideas in All The Time In The World with a genuine message about putting family first and doing right by your kids (made stronger by how he often makes films with his kids)… I mean, the film overall still sucks, but there’s no denying that he meant that shit.

Chicken Run: Dawn Of The Nugget (2023) - Movie Review

The idea of making a sequel to Aardman’s first feature has been floating around since that film initially came out, and considering modern trends towards legacy sequels and the like, it would make sense for them to attempt it around now. It helps that their last film, the Shaun The Sheep sequel, was bloomin’ fantastic and a high benchmark for a studio that’s already a legend in the industry. However, for both good and bad, this is quite a different clucker from the original.

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023) - Movie Review

What is the worst thing you can say to a raging narcissist with a saviour complex? And I don’t mean “worst” as in “what will hurt their feefees the most?”; I mean what would make this already-precarious situation even worse?

You tell him that he might actually be onto something.

Operation Fortune: Ruse De Guerre (2023) - Movie Review

After the pleasing return to form in The Gentlemen, I was fully on-board for Guy Ritchie to keep making movies I could fuck with again. After the painfully mediocre snoozer Wrath Of Man, I am now also prepared for Ritchie to still be capable of underperforming as he had for quite a while before The Gentlemen. Out of a want to just see something simple and engaging (I’ve spent a good amount of January stuck at home with a fractured arm, hence my lack of activity lately), I’m still willing to give this one a chance, although it could go either way. And what I ended up getting was not only a weird combination of his last two films, but also of elements from his 2010s output.

The King's Man (2022) - Movie Review

I have been both anticipating and dreading sitting down to watch this feature in the cinema. And for reasons beyond the larger-scale “Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win” idiocy that is the third year of the pandemic. On the one hand, it’s the latest Kingsman film, a series I have grown to love in all its suave ridiculousness, and having seen all of Matthew Vaughn’s directorial efforts to date, the man is yet to make a bad film. Flawed films? Oh, certainly; The Golden Circle had its share of issues. But never anything outright bad. As such, I’ve been hedging my bets on this film as my first review (on this blog, at least) for 2022, wanting to start things off on a good note.

Black Widow (2021) - Movie Review

“Better late than never” isn’t always the case. And when it comes to Black Widow, the member of the Phase One Avengers in most need of real character development, it arriving so long after that point is rather disheartening. Not to mention out of step with how thought-out the MCU generally is when it comes to story arcs over the span of several features. But now that it’s finally here, and the Marvel status quo is slowly returning after the COVID runaround, I can’t say that I hate it… but I can’t say I’m entirely into it either.

Cats & Dogs 3: Paws Unite (2020) - Movie Review

 

Time for something a little bit different around here: A talking animal movie that I actually like. The original Cats & Dogs is a real nostalgic gem for me, and I have it (along with Spy Kids) to thank for my spy phase as a kid. I used to think Hollywood spy action was the coolest shit back in the day, and even watching that film recently, it’s not a part of my childhood that I find myself cringing at. It’s not a masterpiece or anything, but as a spy genre spoof for kids, it’s held up far better than I ever would have expected.

The same can’t be said for the sequel, Revenge Of Kitty Galore, though. It’s closer to Seltzerberg than it is to the original, with enough animal puns to make me want to use my brain for a scratching post. Between that and how talking animal movies are something of a regular target around here, I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting too much from another follow-up. But hey, it’s from the same director as Mighty Oak, and I was surprisingly positive about that, right? Maybe the same thing will happen here.

Tenet (2020) - Movie Review

After diverting from his usual illusionist ways in 2017 with Dunkirk, writer/director Christopher Nolan seems to be back on his cerebral shit. In fact, he seems to have gone right back to Inception, as his latest is another example of high-concept complexity wrapped up in the kind of mainstream bombast that has allowed Nolan a foot in both houses for so much of his career. While I’d argue, both for subjective and objective reasons, this doesn’t quite reach the same dizzying heights as Inception, I’d also argue that this film has more than enough of its own finesse to succeed.

Spycies (2020) - Movie Review

Oh look, another decent animated film that got shafted by terrible marketing. Only this example might be even worse than Red Shoes And The Seven Dwarfs, as the slip-up here is… well, you can see the title; it doesn’t get any more obvious than that. And I’ll admit, my initial interest in this movie came out of wanting to find the story behind what is easily the worst pun title I have ever seen. But, like I said, I’m not here to rag on yet another dreadful talking animal movie. Instead, I’m here to highlight a surprisingly solid feature.

My Spy (2020) - Movie Review

In 2008, when Dwayne Johnson’s star as an actor was beginning its initial rise, Peter Segal’s take on the classic spy show Get Smart gave The Artist Who Wants Us To Stop Calling Him The Rock a proper shot at the mainstream, beyond his previous stardom as a wrestler. A little over a decade later, Segal seems to be on a similar tear, stepping back into the comedic spy game with Dave Bautista, the latest success story in that WWE-to-the-big-screen transition and, between crowd-pleasers like his work as Drax The Destroyer in the MCU and critical darlings like his opening role in Blade Runner 2049, this should be a slam dunk. Unfortunately, this latest attempt at carving out Bautista’s place in a more family-friendly lane is a major fizzler.

Spies In Disguise (2020) - Movie Review

After years of bewildering popularity and success, it seems like Blue Sky Studios has finally found their own lane in the modern animation market. Yeah, I easily would’ve just assumed that their raison d’etre was being entirely disposable, between the weak Ice Age films to the downright dreadful Rio films, but between this and their last feature Ferdinand, they seem to have found their niche that doesn’t involve boring the audience into a collective coma. If Disney is the standard, Dreamworks the alternative, Laika the retro haven and Illumination the home of all things villainous, then Blue Sky is the place to go for family-friendly treatises on pacifism.

Sherlock Gnomes (2018) - Movie Review

Gnomeo & Juliet is an absolute mess. While aided somewhat by its genuinely solid animation and a pretty choice voice cast, it feels like a Murphy’s Law situation where literally every bad decision possible was made around them. From the insanely ill-fitted soundtrack to the egregious puns to the incredibly snide attitude it carried towards its source material, it can easily stand as one of the worst family films I’ve ever sat through, if not one of the worst full stop. Because money is the root of all things unnecessary, and the original made plenty of bank at the box office, we for some reason have been given a sequel. While I struggle to figure what precisely this film is at its core, it is still a marked improvement in all the important regards.

Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: After a mission goes wrong, the world is under threat by the terrorist group The Apostles, who now have access to enough plutonium to construct nuclear weaponry. Wanting to correct what happened, IMF agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) once again sets out with his colleagues Luther (Ving Rhames) and Benji (Simon Pegg) to save the world as they go after the stolen plutonium. However, with CIA operative August Walker (Henry Cavill) assigned to watch Ethan's every move in case he goes rogue again, and anarchist Soloman Lane (Sean Harris) plotting his revenge, this will prove to be Ethan's toughest assignment yet.

Beirut (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: Former U.S. diplomat Mason (Jon Hamm) has succumbed to alcoholism after the death of his wife ten years earlier. He is contacted by his old colleagues to mediate a negotiation in Mason's former station Beirut, where a terrorist organisation has taken Mason's old friend Cal (Mark Pellegrino) hostage. As he re-enters the political hot spot and tries to navigate the numerous factions vying for power, he could get a chance to not only save his friend but also find the person who took his family from him.

Red Sparrow (2018) - Movie Review

The plot: After an injury cuts her career as a ballerina short, Dominika (Jennifer Lawrence) is left with a terrible choice: Submit to her circumstances or work for the Russian government as a Sparrow.

As she learns the ways of the Sparrow, using seduction and psychology to intercept targets, she becomes entangled with CIA agent Nate Nash (Joel Edgerton) after accepting an assignment to find a Russian mole that Nate works with. Between the government forcing her hand, her fellow agents showing signs of distrust and the actual warmth shown by Nate, it seems Dominika will have to think fast if she wants to get out of this situation alive.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) - Movie Review

Freelance agent Mahan reporting in. Mission: Complete the Experiment to quantify the success rate of Hollywood cinema, in light of recent evidence that the system may be in jeopardy. Secondary objective involving target Harvey Weinstein has been handed off to field agents, and it appears to have been successful. Target has been held accountable for their actions and the flood of corroborating intel has ensured further action will be taken. Dossier for today’s objective: Kingsman, product made by Matthew Vaughn in 2014.

Despicable Me 3 (2017) - Movie Review

I think I owe Illumination Entertainment something of an apology. For the longest time, I always judged them mainly off of their take on Dr Seuss’ The Lorax, which still stands as one of the single worst films I’ve ever sat through in so many ways. However, that is honestly an outlier of their work: The rest of their films, in one way or another, have tapped into a sense of nostalgia for the olden days of animation and translated it quite remarkably for today’s audiences. Whether it’s the 2-D throwback of The Secret Life Of Pets to the tribute to all things musical with Sing, Illumination has secured its place in the industry as the most retro-minded studio working right now.

 

And the crown jewel of their work to date, the series that put them on the map, is Despicable Me. Or, more specifically, the Minions that have now taken a life of their own and, whenever a new film featuring them comes out, you will doubtless see them everywhere. So, in light of the studio’s pedigree and my admitted sensitivity to overblown marketing, how does this latest instalment turn out?

Keeping Up With The Joneses (2016) - Movie Review

Wow, I have not been looking forward to this one, more so than possibly any other film this year aside from God’s Not Dead 2. The reason why is down to two simple words: Isla Fisher. To the rest of the world, Isla is the woman married to Sacha Baron Cohen and one of the few Australian actresses that has all but completely assimilated into the Hollywood food chain. To us here in Australia, she’s the amazingly annoying redhead who flooded our screens with ads for ING. No joke, she had a “turn your phones off” bit that was a) irritating beyond all human reason and b) shown in front of about 90-95% of the films I saw last year. That’s close to 200 times that I had to hear her screech about how her phone ringing ruined her “perfect” take. Needless to say, I now have an irreparable hatred for Isla Fisher and, as a result, I am really not looking forward to seeing her on-screen again in any capacity.

Our Kind Of Traitor (2016) - Movie Review

I… have no words. This film has left me speechless in the best possible way. And no, that doesn’t mean the rest of this review is going to be just a blank screen; I just don’t know how to open this review without either getting into details that are already in the review itself, or just breaking down and saying “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SEE THIS MOVIE!” For reasons why, let’s get into it.

Grimsby (2016) - Movie Review

Sacha Baron Cohen: Julliard-trained artist who seems tailor-made to star in modern-day movie musicals. Or, if you go by the majority of films where he is the lead actor, a professional troll with the comparable intelligence of the average Youtube commenter. Seriously, look at his in-character work like Borat, Bruno and The Dictator, and then look at his other roles in Sweeney Todd, Les Miserables and even his non-singing role in Hugo. This isn’t so much a showcase of range, as much as it is possible evidence of a secret twin sibling and/or malformed cloning experiment. For the record, I like a fair bit of Sacha’s work; I mean, Borat is probably one of the better mockumentaries to have been made and Bruno’s talking penis has burned into my brain ever since I first watched that particular feature. Sure, I’d much rather hear that voice put to Sondheim than to sophomore, but I have a certain appreciation for his style of extremely abrasive sense of humour. Still, even with that in mind, today’s film isn’t looking too good, to the point where all I can hope for is that Mark Strong finds a way to salvage this whole thing. One can only hope that he doesn’t have to.